Sunday, 16 August 2009

Strictly For Fun...

So, our dream line up is finally here. If you follow us on Twitter (bless you) then you'll be aware that we've both been working on it all week. We've decided to add a competitive edge so...who's for the win? It's Team Frankie vs. Team Clover. Expect (extremely glittery) handbags at dawn...

Team Frankie

Princess Beatrice and Matthew
This is my headline-grabbing star for the series without a doubt, rumours have already flown around for the last few years about a Royal taking part and I think this is the girl that should do it. She’s 21, so old enough to be doing the show but also young enough to improve the image of the Royals. She is partnered with that beacon of good clean fun Matthew Cutler.

Rob and Lilia
Rob Brydon - As a regular guest on ITT I cannot resist the opportunity to have Brucie, Anton and Rob in the same room together. He’s a fan, he can’t deny that, so it is time for him to put on his shoes, step out on the the floor and do his bit for the show. And whilst googling I came across an interesting fact: he’s only 5”7- the same height as Richard Hammond! This means he gets to be partnered with the lovely Lilia, lucky fella. Expect much giggling and maybe a bit of a ‘journey’.

Claudia and Anton
Claudia Winkleman – Probably the most unlikely of my selections, but we all want to see it! It would mean we’d need someone else to present ITT, which poses a bit of a dilemma, but I do believe we would be rewarded with some Strictly gold. The hilarity of Claudia trying to do the moves with Len on ITT combined with a desire not to completely embarass herself would be great. As for a partner, who better to guide her through the series but the one and only Anton Du Beke?
Reggie and 'other'
Reggie Yates – This is my ‘young man’ of the series and an attempt to get more coverage on Radio 1. Reggie showed he’s quite game for stuff like this on Comic Relief Does Fame Academy a few years ago so I think he’d be up for it. Alas, due to the sudden influx of new female dancers this year I cannot give him a named female dancer, but I’m sure she’s a lovely sparkly thing!

Rebecca and Ian
Rebecca Adlington – She’s an Olympic athlete and loves her heels, what more do you need in a Strictly contestant?! All round good egg and loved by the British public I reckon she would start slightly clumsily and then have a bit of a journey. Would love to see her partnered with our favourtie beanpole and dancer with sportswomen Ian Waite.
Gray and Erin
Gray O’Brien (Tony Gordon, Corrie) - And here we have my soap star contestant, only this is no perma-tanned reject but a Scottish hunk! I reckon he would have all the mums swooning and he’s such a good actor I would love to see him do stuff like the tango. As for a partner, I can’t believe I’m saying this but I can really see him dancing with Erin and it actually being good! It would be like James Bond and his kiwi Bond Girl (see the ‘Erin Boag: Ballroom Dancer or Evil Genius?’ post!)
Sophie and Brian
Sophie Ellis Baxter – Actually a rumour from this year but I liked the idea so much I thought I’d draft her in. Stylish and fun, the perfect popstar from Strictly in my opinion. They would have to do something to cover up her godawful tattoo though. For her partner we have Brian, who I have decided is now known as Funky Brian.
Steve and Ola
Steve Jones – Just when you thought this might tail off, we bring out 6”2 of hunky Welshman! I reckon this could be just as good as Gethin Jones but without the sticky-back-plastic jokes (oh yeah, and is EVERYONE in Wales called Jones?). As for a partner, we might as go all the way and put him with our catsuit wearing lovely Ola Jordan.

Team Clover

James and Natalie
I’ve always wanted Clarkson on Strictly but a good friend of mine, Katy, persuaded me that James May would be a far better candidate. I’m now inclined to agree. He’d take it ever so seriously and I can’t help but imagine him boring us with a glut of technical facts, such as - *thinks* - the physics behind the momentum created whilst taking back rock steps in a jive. Or summat like that. It's just too good an opportunity to miss. Partnered with Natalie Lowe purely because I don’t know what he’d do with a piece of hotstuff gyrating up against him (Not seen her? There’s a very tiny shorts jive on youtube.) Eyebrows raised uppity-upwards, I imagine. Plus he’d get the Dad Vote.

Martine and Brendan
Martine McCutcheon. Why Strictly and why now? Uh, coz, we haven’t seen her for a while, have we? Perhaps time for a re-launch of that crazy little thing called career? More than Tiffany in Eastenders and actually a talented little missy (Laurence Olivier Award, yer know, and oo-er, a Hollywood film!) it doesn’t seem completely out of the question. If Kelly Brook was the big name a few years ago then Martine’s been high profile enough to have a similar status. And therefore, no one else but Brendan will do.

Giles and Flavia
Ah, Giles Coren. As Frankie says... ‘just posh enough...’ Here is a man who understands the dramatic punch of a well-placed punctuation mark. Would he be able to translate that linguistic sensitivity into musicality on the dancefloor? Maybe he wouldn’t want to. According to a recent article, he’s quite put out about Arlene being made ‘dance tsar’ (or czar – which would he prefer?) I don’t know if that would put him off should he be asked, however. He’s quite adept at role-play (see The Supersizers eat) and may be able to use his experience to channel a 1950s jive dancer or...uh, an Austrian peasant. And why Flavia? As a food critic, I’m sure he’s partial to a little Italian...

Javine and James
Since the BBC so clearly wants to engage with the (naturally inferior) X-Factor audience, it’s only a matter of time before they wants da kidz from a Big Bro’ camp to switch over too. Javine, ‘pop star’, perhaps more famous for running off with Alesha’s husband is la candidate perfecto. Expect a cross between Hollyoaks and Jeremy Kyle as Ms. Dixon awards Javine a fatsy ZERO for her quickstep, leaps over the judges’ table and pulls a chunk out of her love-rival’s swarovski-encrusted hair. Partnered with James purely for the alliterative fun of it.

Lemar and Kristina
Lemar? But, GASP he’s a reality TV star! It’s OK , however, as he’s a BBC reality TV star and therefore allowed (and yes, he’s probably the only one we’ve heard of...Alex who now? And I can’t even remember the first name of the other one...) Lemar also had the good sense actually to have a fairly decent career too. Plus, he kinda owes the BBC for his fame so it’s not all that unfeasible. Pairing him with Kristina might well be a winning formula – and let’s face it, after John Sergeant, she deserves a hottie.

Konnie and Vincent
Konnie’s a no-brainer really. I’m not saying she’s a lazy choice, just that she’s perhaps a little too...obvious? Dancing with Wee Vincent, she’d neither be a dead-cert-dud or a fast-track-to-the-final-regardless-of-actual-dancing-talent *cough Lisa cough Snowdon*. But we need people like Konnie on the show. She’s a former Blue Peter presenter and therefore plucky, gutsy, a wee bit 'Famous Five' and somehow, a little bit more real than the really pretty girls. Like Zoe Ball, if she showed talent, we’d warm to her...and who’s to say she wouldn’t have a chance?

Bruce and Katya
Bruce Parry has endured the very harshest of harsh terrains. He’s come face-to-face (or cheek to cheek?) with wild animals. He’s taken uberweird drugs forced upon him by indigenous tribespeople. Yet none of those things can compare to facing the wrath of Craig Revel-Horwood. Can he cope? I’m not sure. All I do know is that we’ve never seen an anthropologist on Strictly and I do so wonder how he’d analyse this strange and sequinned tribe. Partnered with Lithuanian Katya – not quite a Pacific Islander, but perhaps if she ‘d wear a costume made of coconuts, he’d feel right at home.

Marian and Darren
O' Marian Keyes, Queen-of-the-Superfans, Light of my Life, would be an utter delicious little nibble of a contestant. Clearly, due to her unwavering belief that she should have been born as Lilia Kopylova, the obvious choice partner-wise for her is Darren... thereby allowing her to live her fantasy. She’s always claimed that she wouldn’t take part but I’m sure, like, she sooooooo would... if asked. She’s just the perfect concoction of mild-madness, self-deprecation and Irishness – all traits that are bound to win our hearts, if not our votes as well.


Anonymous said...

You've left Artem and Robin out. Who would partner them?

Frankie said...

This is something we did a couple of years ago before Artem and Robin joined the show, don't worry, we would give them good people!