Saturday, 28 April 2012

Dicing with Darcey

So out of nowhere, BAM! In a poof of glittery smoke we are told that the new SCD judge will be former ballerina Darcey Bussell. As with all judges, this has been met with cries of 'hurrah!', 'boo!' and '...meh'. So here we are, with our totally measured opinions, to weigh up the pros and cons of the woman whose full name is the marvellous Marnie Mercedes Darcey Pembleton Crittle.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a panel with paddles must be in want of a(nother) judge. Sort of. And short of Ms. Bussell sharing a name (+e) with the romantic hero of all time (doubtful boys, she'll be running about with a wet shirt on, but who knows what un-cha cha like cha chas we'll be seeing this year...who knows?) I'm not really sure what she has to offer. Let's weigh it up then.
PS. Where TF did Bussell come from out of that name?
CON - Not Karen Hardy
This is bascially the big issue here, no matter how well this woman does, she is not Karen Hardy and therefore we cannot be happy with the decision. Sorry luv, nothing personal...yet. Karen seems to have lost out here simply because she's not a big enough name outside of the show, despite being the best person. You have a lot to live up to here Ms Bussell...
Ergo, pointless.
PRO - International standard dancer
Well you can't argue with that, apart from the fact it's ballet rather than...oooh, I don't know...ballroom and latin dancing? Anyways, she has been top of the dancing world in her own field and that is not to be sniffed/sneezed/bodily-functioned at. She even has an OBE and CBE for it, I have no idea what these mean but since it took Bruice about 250 years to be knighted I'm sure it's impressive.
CBE = Can't Be Exciting
OBE = Or BeEntertaining.
She'll know more than Alesha and as much as Arlene - but does she have the personality? I think she did appear on The Vicar of Dibley once so kudos for that.
CON - Potential to be D-U-double-L
Rather than going into this blind, we've already had a taster of Ms Bussell, during the series seven semi final in 2009 with the utterly random introduction of a 5th judge. The main issue is that I really can't remember anything she said! My main memory is her doing a jive with hardly any jive content in it...possibly of Harry and Aliona proportions. Guessing she will take the 'encouraging and non-controversial' approach of Alesha for a few weeks and then we'll see what kind of judge she turns into.
Already covered this above. Also concerned it will be more acceptable that the waltzes will be less waltzy and the jives less jivey and it will all be OK because it's the performance (daahling) and Craig will Ooooh and Bruno will AHHHH and Len will slap his own face with a wet fish and then still paddle up a 9. Think that Swan Lake...I want to say American Smooth, was it?... from last year. It was about as smooth as a bite on the thigh by a, uh, swan. It was about as ballroom as a banana. Annoying much.
PRO - Not a 'celeb'
Remember all the random people that were suggested for the job? Remember how we were old scared they were going to get some tabloid fodder in to make up for Alehsa defecting to the SCD equivalent of North Korea? Remember JENNIFER I-only-have-an-8 GREY?! Actual people who were rumoured for the judge role: Ann Widdecombe, Nancy Del'Ollio, Cheryl Cole. Darcey seems like an absolute delight now, doesn't she?
They were never going to happen. Like Richard Madeley appearing on the show.
PS. If this happens, I was joking.

Seating Politics
A new judge also brings us the joy of SCD seating politics. Back in t'day, Arlene used to sit next to Craig where they were delightfully waspish together. Then Alesha came along and swapped sides, sitting next to Bruno where they were delightfully giggly together. Just where will Darcey sit? Oh the drama!
If she sits in Alesha's old seat she's next to Bruno, which might be a laugh but you also risk being bonked on the head by the flailing Italian. Or there could be another swapsie and she ends up next to Craig. Don't ever suggest that the people on the end might change, that would surely tip the world on its axis...