Friday, 30 July 2010

And...we're back!

Here we are again then. How you been doing, missed us? It's back to the joy of writing sentences over 140 characters and rambling off on massive tangents as the SCD universe opens for business once again. Dust off those sparkly shoes and let's get down to dissecting some rumoured contestants.

Well starting off with one of the more common rumours, we have the celeb couple Gary and Danielle Lineker. We can only hope they are more likable than Gabby 'I will annihilate you, if only I could dance' Logan. I also wonder if they will get partnered with the Jordans again, since the BBC certainly loves a gimmick. As someone on Twitter with infinitely more football knowledge than me pointed out, Gary played in some sort of tricky position that may have required good hip action. Danielle on the other hand looks good in a frock.

Ah, my life without the purple text has been dull. Frankie says I must write, so here be it etc etc. I am a little scared of her (but please don't tell her that). So, Gary Lineker (and wife) – Now Gary, I get. Ex-footballer, a fair choice, despite his renown for nothing more useful of late than crisp-stealing. Wife? No. Who is she? First Googled 'Celeb' of the year. So who is Gary Lineker’s wife? Oh, she’s Gary Lineker’s wife. DO NOT GET ME STARTED.

Now turning, quite hesitantly, we look to Ann Widdecombe. The most talked about possible signing of this year...if only because we keep looking at each other and going "Ann Widdecombe?!". The woman has been asked for years and years but was suffering the curse of having a proper job- until now! Am I the only one who thinks she will just be terrible, not because of age or ability but simply because she won't let anyone tell her what to do? She keeps on denying it with a wry smile, but since there has just been so much talk about it I don't think we can breathe a sign of relief just yet.

Anne Widdecombe. OK, OK, you’re all thinking it, so I’m just gonna come out and say it. Ugliest contestant ever? I’m not saying she’d crack the mirrorball but...well, yeah, I’m saying she'd crack the mirrorball. Ohhhhhhhhh, so shoot me. Of course, she would have been the obvious choice to lump with Darren Bennett, but since he’s be relegated to the DA (Dads’ Army) some young whippersnapper (it sounds like the sort of word she’d use...) is going to dislocate a shoulder lugging her through a waltz. Has anyone done a risk assessment?

Another person who has been asked multiple times and is without a proper job this year is the eternal Richard Madeley. Please come on the show Richard, so I can laugh at you (not with, never with). Also there was the rumour of his car-crashing daughter Chloe doing it too, so many puns, so little time...

I would only like this if he dressed as Ali G. For the whole series.

Staying with the *ahem* older lady, we get to the much more glam end of the scale, with the delightful Felicity Kendal. In fact, I'm sure I read somewhere she is actually a year older than Ms Widdecombe (she is very much a 'Ms'). I imagine I read it in the Telegraph or Mail, since that's the kind of thing they love. More importantly, does anyone else think this will be a total re-run of Cherie Lunghi? I see grace, I see style, I see crap latin with a moving rumba followed by a graceful exit halfway through the series. You heard it here first...about two years ago.

Felicity Kendal – Nice choice, if a tad twee. But what is Strictly without twee? I like the word twee. Of course, dished out to Brendan or James to bring out their lover-ly sides...or lumped with Anton. He proved last year he’s not worthy of likely winner. Still seething. Grr argh.

Then we have our traditional soap luvlies (spelling does not survive soapland), this time around we have Tina O'Brien of Corrie and and the everlasting panto career and the much hotter and still working Jennifer Metcalfe of Hollyoaks. Any ideas which would I would prefer? But what is this, there is no Eastenders star?! We can't do this without having a BBC soap star. I seem to remember a Charlie Clements rumour a long time ago, I would love another ginger wonder on the show even if it would mess up my Winning Formula.

Tina O’Brien – Oooh an ex-soapie. I’m bibbling to my very brim with excitement. I can’t sleep for the spectacularly spiffimungous anticipation. Wibble wibble wibble. My A-Level English teacher said sarcasm doesn’t always come across too well in written form. It does now. And Jennifer Metcalf – Who is this person? Well, for starters she has the honour of being the second Googled Strictly 'celeb' of the year. I don’t watch Hollyoaks. So I don’t give a chargrilled artichoke.

Oh and there is also Patsy Kensit, who I guess is a soap luvlie, but more famous for hanging out with rock stars. She could be the next Jo Wood...only good. Speaking of her, it looks like Gavin Henson might be the 'spurned celeb spouse' for this year. At least he's got the hang of fake tan.

I don't object to this one. Even if she's not credible, at least I know who she is. Which means she must be vaguely famous. Which she is. Bring her on.

Ah, but if we really want the gimmick of gimmicky gimmicks then lo and behold the one-day-rumour that was Mrs Bruce, Winelia Forsyth of Puerto Rico. I loved this, I so want it to be true it is so mad. OK we might not be able to hear her dance over the sound of the barrel being scraped, but the woman has style and quite frankly the patience of a saint after being married to Brucie for so long! Why not just get Vernon Kaye on as well and make a theme of it?!

Yes, in the immortal words of ones of the greatest works of cinematic history ever (Gypsy, of course, doh) ... yer gotta get a gimmick. Only you don't. You really, really don't. Gimmicks are the death knell of TV shows. Usually. If Brucie's wifey's on the show, this will be the last series. And Vernon? Just no.

So there we are, the highlights of the rumours that have flown around the blogsphere and twitterati this year. What with promises of higher-paid, bigger stars I'm not too sure what to make of it. There seem to be some fun names in there, but not exactly a-list. Saying that, does it really matter? Every year we fall in love with some sportsperson we've never heard of or someone who starts out terrible and wins our hearts, so let's not be too harsh on our latest batch of celebs....until the dancing starts....

Can I be harsh? It's fun.

PS - Frank Bruno? What's that all about? Did we not learn from our boxers last year? The BBC needs to give up on the Billy Elliot/Rocky fanstasy!