Monday, 13 August 2012

Gettin' Wiggins With It

We have been absolutely inundated by tonnes (TONNES) of you tweeting, posting letters, phoning, emailing us to write our annual 'Strictly Speculation' post. Oh wait, no, I may have exaggerated a wee bit: Frankie messaged me on Facebook saying we probably should do it. So here it is.

The nagging has already bring on the speculation spangles! Get Google up, it's time to start looking at how tall everyone is. Vincent needs a pixie, Natalie needs a giant, everyone else is just guesswork, but that never stopped us.

Other than the news that SCD is deserting Blackpool, (Personally I'd rather dessert Blackpool - custard pies, anyone?) most of the news surrounding the new series of #SCD (Twitter habit) revolves around members of the magnificent Team GB. According to, they are 'eyeing' Bradley Wiggins. Excellent. Lancashire lad. Might trip over his own sideburns mid quickstep. Another mentionee is Beth Tweddle. Again, excellent. I can't remember a world without Beth Tweddle. If she were to sink into a vast abyss of obscurity I don't know if I could cope. And Victoria Pendleton. No objections as long as they don't let her cycle on set. Oh fiddlesticks, I forgot about props.

Team GB are a dream for SCD and any pro will love them. Can I just point out that we also tipped Rebecca Adlington for the show at least two years ago in our Dream Line-up? We are so ahead of the curve we might meet each other coming the other way, like in a velodrome in fact! My favourite for the show is Victoria Pendleton, after the Pantene ad we have incontestable proof she likes nice dresses. As for the men, wouldn't Ben Ainslie look a-ma-zing in a tux? Although I think I'd most like to see one of those gymnastics boys going for a spin on the dancefloor, if only so they can rise above that 'One Direction of Team GB' thing, they are so much better than that. Plus one of them is ginger.

Now, Dannii Minogue? Get real. If this turns out to be true, I will eat a wombat. This is hardly the 'ultimate revenge' for Simon Cowell that the media seem to think it is. I say she'd much better boil his balls in vinegar and feed them to a shih tzu. Or Sharon Osbourne.

Or Pudsey the dog, surely? Remember when Sharon Osbourne herself was a rumour? Reality TV is so incestuous...

Westlife member is a whole other story however and could be quite probable. Doesn't matter which one. One with floppy hair. Wait... Of course he'll have dancing experience having been in a boyband. Apart from the fact he was in the boyband that had nothing choreographically more challenging ever thrown at them than standing up and walking forward on a key change.

I don't know the names of anyone in Westlife, so it could get awkward after I've been calling them 'thingy' for weeks. And I want proper 90s retro pop fodder, H from Steps, Jon from S Club 7, Brian from East 17 if he can handle not running himself over anymore.

Naturally, there will be Eastenders folks. Frankly, I don't really give a darned banana. Unless it's Sid Owen and they show a clip of his uber-lol 'pop career.' However, one rumour I'm really quite liking is Fern Britton. If I'm honest, though, I've no idea why. She's just, well, wholesome. Like lentil soup. And I'd be pleased to see Chris Evans, not because I like Chris Evans but because ginger people are sorely under-represented on the show. Esther Rantzen DOES NOT COUNT.

Yeah, Sid Owen will do, but for Eastenders I really want Charlie Brooks. Who is also conveniently taking some time off the show very soon...fingers crossed. Plus when they announce it everyone will think Charlie Brooker is doing the show, cue *much* hilarity. In fact, if Fern Britton comes along too we might as well just reunite the cast of the Christmas special. Simon Webbe can't be up to much between now and Christmas, can he?

So there we are. That's all I've heard bubbling around the wicked cauldron of the media so far. But be not afeared: the launch show is being filmed on 11th Sept. And everyone knows it's hopeless trying to keep things quiet after that.

Here we go again...