Thursday, 15 August 2013

Strictly guesswork?

Well, it’s been a funny old year already! Not so much a trickle of speculation news, but an occasional drip of the most random selection of names in a while and even more people saying they’re NOT going to be on the show.

We start with Paul Hollywood, or rather, we don’t. Or maybe we do. There’s been so many twists and turns in this story you could make one of Mary Berry’s pointlessly difficult dough plaits out of it. I wanted you to do the show Paul, it would have been a delight, but this drama has gone on for so long now I don’t care. And don’t even think of trying to pull a Robbie Savage and actually turning up, I’m now thinking we should be spared all the soggy bottom gags. In fact, we’ve been given an alternative baker, in the form of Hairy Biker Dave Myers – do they have replacements out the back? Did they have a spare crazy Italian socialite hanging around the year Nancy was on the show? I guess they had a spare Aliona in the form of Iveta and look what happened there – no more non-tangos hopefully!

We may not have had a baker but I can't help having flashbacks to THE HORROR THE HORROR that was Gary Rhodes and that unfathomable frying pan dance move. WHAT IS KAREN DOING BENDING OVER LIKE THAT? WHY IS HE CASTING A WEIRD SPELL ON HER BACK? Oh right. With hindsight, I think the lovely Karen was desperate. He was an utter fool. But yeah, I'd be happy to see Mr Hollywood or a biker, hairy or otherwise. 

Another person who apparently turned the show down was Tim Henman, thankfully, as I will forever know him as Mr Beige. Our sportsperson this year is apparently, hopefully, better-had-be Rebecca Adlington. We suggested her first a good few years ago and now we want to see her in action! Another of our now gold-plated suggestions is Sophie Ellis-Bexter, but as I said before, get some make-up or even sleeves over that tattoo! Maybe we should start suggesting people now to turn up in another three years or so? Oh yeah, we also suggested Martine McCutcheon way-back-when and now she’s been made bankrupt…the glitterball is a-calling…

I am utterly convinced Mr Henman has already taken part. I can see it in my head and I just can't think who I am confusing him with. I have been convinced by the collective wisdom of the Twitterverse that this. has. not. happened. Which is worrying in itself. However, in my head, he was rubbish, so there's probably not much point him joining the show. I can't cope with Sophie Ellis-Bexter taking part purely because I don't think I could tolerate three months of Murder on the Dancefloor jokes. And Martine? She's going to do it at some point. It's a given. 

I will admit though, these are hardly exciting showbiz names, the mehs surrounding the Abbey Clancy rumour were overwhelming and even the late emergence of Vanessa Feltz’s name hasn’t caused uproar. Time to roll out the big guns BBC, and who’s name has surfaced? Terri Hatcher! Superman puns vs Desperate puns, how will Brucie manage? If this is true, I quite like the idea and it is completely random. She’s always seemed to have a bit of personality and if she thinks it’s going to be like the jazz-hands-twirl-shimmy world of DWTS then she's got another thing coming!

If Abbey Clancy is involved...Is she is really the calibre of celebrity we have come to expect. For what else is she famous for than a happenchance marriage to...someone...I want to say a footballer? 
Teri Hatcher on t'other hand, I can get on board with. Though I can't help but wonder if the speculation in this case has just come about because of Dean Cain (OMG BLAST FROM THE PAST)'s appearance on DWTS. And come on, T.H. is famous enough in the USA, to do their show, why would she come over here? 

Is anyone else noticing this line-up looks distinctly….female? There’s yet again been a dearth of men being dragged onto the dance floor, with male rumours really tailing off over the last few weeks. A long-standing rumour, however, has been Fabrice Muamba. He wowed us at Christmas and gave us one of our most re-tweeted tweets ever, so that’s obviously won us over! Natalie Gumede from Corrie is also lovely on Twitter so she’ll hopefully appear too. Back to men, if we don’t get one of JLS then I will eat my spangly hat!

First of all - Frankie - do you own a spangly hat? If so, I need to see this. Readers, just so you know, Frankie does have a good head for hats. It is a skill. Gah, back to the point. Yes, Fabrice Muamba did retweet us at Christmas and we were very impressed with his (undermarked) 'salsa' (yes, still the inverted commas for that dance but from what I saw of Fabrice's dancing, he could quite easily pull off an authentic salsa with pizzazz.) Natalie Gamede, yes lovely,  but I fear may have too much dance experience. Though that didn't stop Safety Car Van Outen from appearing. 

That’s our contestant speculation wrapped up for now, it can’t be long until the real line-up appears and/or the Sun leaks it and the Daily Mail starts whingeing. Speaking of which, with the launch show being filmed on 3rd/4th September this year, we’re expecting an early start. Or something odd, possibly to do with Doctor Who being 50. Welcome back to the chaos!