Curiouser and curiouser...

....and we're back! It's that time of year again, we're dusting off the word 'spangle' and Christmas is practically here. But oddly enough, there's a distinct lack of SCD rumours this year and the ones that have emerged are, well, rather curious. Is there a lack of good contestants, or something massive around the corner (by which we don't mean Russell Grant)?

I was beginning to think that no one cared but when the rumours about Russell Grant became more frequent, I think I read somewhere that people took to the streets of London in protest. I even heard there were copycat occurances in Birmingham and Manchester. A seagull appeared on Youtube looting a shop, caught up in a frenzy of madness at the sheer horror of it all. That was what it was all about, wasn't it?

Starting off the list, we have the most-definite contestant in the form of the One Show's Alex Jones. Wake up at the back please...this really isn't very exciting, it's going to be like Christine Bleakley, like Felicity Kendal was Cherie Lunghi...seriously, why doesn't the BBC just start cloning celebs and see if we notice or not?

Who is Alex Jones? Scribble out the X, replace it with a D and let's have us some of that camp samba back. Ah, those were the days.

Having a definte rumour has been a joy this year, let's look at the roll-call of people who make up most of the displaced rumours...Sir Geoff Hurst, Robbie Savage, Miriam O'Reilly. Who are these people?! And I don't care about accusations of ageism, I want a man under the age of 25 on this show please! Speaking of unsuitable people, we might even turn to the twaddle that is astrology if it means Russell Grant will just go away. Maybe the planets can align to leave a roller-skate at the top of some stairs (oh dear, I am evil).

Who are these people indeed? I shall Google. Ah, Geoff Hurst...just stop your gasps of protest right there. You know us both well enough now to know that we are as bad at remembering sportspeople as Nick Clegg is remembering his policies (ooh, satire). Robbie Savage? Unless he plans to come out singing Take That songs dressed as a drag queen called Lily I don't care. Miriam O'Reilly...ahhh, I see, to counteract the ageism stuff? Why not let her replace Alesha on the panel? Seriously. Nothing surprises me any more.

In trying to get some slightly more glam celebs the BBC seem to be turning to...erm, Australia? One of the latest rumours is Holly Valance, who at least looks good in a frock and can't be doing it for the money since she's engaged to a billionaire. Also from the land of Oz (I can hear Bruce's jokes now), we've had rumours of Jason Donovan pop up. He's done musicals, he might just be able to do a kick-ball-change without falling over and his female pro can wear a Kylie-style 80s wedding dress for a rumba. Crikey, you come up with some surreal things watching this show...

A Jason Donovan pop up, Frankie? Can't they get the real one? How about bringing in the technicolor dreamcoat for a Biblical themed Argentine tango? He could dance it with Philip Schofield. Did someone say surreal? Thing is re. Holly Valance, she's just too likely to be one of those who stays in until the very end, scoring highly with the judges, looking pretty and just being generally dull. In short, to be nothing more than a length of decorative drapery (boom boom).

Also in the 'foreigners coming over here and taking our celeb jobs' category is the crazy Nancy Dell'Olio. Famous for...er...dating men, she can go in the Jo Wood/Gavin Henson category. I hear that she is quite short, meaning she just has to dance with Wee Vincent and we can use subtitles. And she has a questionable dress sense. You just know it will be more fun than a well-meaning soap star.

I'VE HEARD OF HER!

Speaking of soap stars, they seem to be quite thin on the ground this year, usually great for SCD-filler material. Instead, the great untapped resource this year seems to be politicians of all people! I wonder if they just can't be any more imaginative after Widdecome's attempt to recast herself as a loveable national treasure. So the politico we are most likely to have is egg-loving Edwina Currie...so many puns, so little time. Other political names mentioned along the way have been John Prescott (REALLY?!) and Peter Mandelson. Mandy would have been best, so oddly sinister and actually a half-decent dancer already.

You know Blair wants to.

And then there is the rumour I have been trying to ignore...Pippa Middleton. The dust seems to have settled on that one, so hopefully it was just a ridiculous fabrication made up by someone in PR. And as for the Cheryl Cole rumour...

Both ridiculous. Shame as at least they are relevant. Clare-at-Work would shoot herself in the head with a staple gun if Cheryl Cole appeared on Strictly though. And we can't have that...