Hot Gossip

Strictly season is looming towards us once again like a huge glitterball on the horizon, as we stumble, blinking into the land of sparkle and clumsy metaphors...

For the newbies out there, Frankie writes in black, Clover in purple.

Mark Wright has been mentioned...can we go home now?

First up, Mark Wright. I have to mention Mark Wright first because he might sue me if not, he's managed to fill so many magazine pages about 'gossip' over whether he's on SCD on a daily basis. Despite the fact that his missus Michelle Keegan is way more famous than him and she's the one we're all excited about, no, it's all about Mark Wright! It also brings us into the argument of whether we can have a 'reality show celeb' on SCD, he'd be the first and some people would be apoplectic with rage at the BBC at the idea. I see you Mark Wright and raise you Jo Wood and Nancy Dell'Olio...

Who is this man? I am (pop) culturally inept. Seriously, you hit the big 3.0. and cease to know who anybody is. After Googling him, I discover he's that chap from TOWIE. Now if he takes part, this marks a fundamental shift in the celebdom of Strictly. Someone who's famous only for being on another reality show? That's a whole new low. 

Disclaimer: I have erased the memory of Nancy and Jo Who...? . 

Now we might as well get the every-year-rumours out of the way. This year it sounds like Greg Wallace is IN and Paul Hollywood is OUT. I don't know what to make of this, I adore Bake-Off but I'm indifferent to Masterchef - and neither of them look like they'll be amazing dancers anyway! Although now Brucie is gone that's reams of rumba/rum-ba-ba jokes out the window. And there's no Richard Madely rumours, what is the world coming to?! I don't want Richard Madely on the show, but that rumour was always a comfortable bit of familiarity when the names of TOWIE stars are being thrown about.

I love Masterchef. Gregg Wallace is a totally acceptable and utterly plausible contestant. But the big question is this: this series, will John Torode appear from inside a lobster bisque mid pro-rumba? Stranger, well, similar, things have happened.

Then there's the lesser-spotted Young Man. They really are getting lesser-spotted, I was quite excited at Radio 1's Greg James being on the show and he's 28! Alas, he said no, honestly, 'young' people these days. Apparently they're getting Dave Berry of Capital FM to fill the 'random male DJ' slot - how is that a thing?!

A star from the wireless? That's positively medieval. Not counting Zoe Ball, the only DJ we have had before is Spoony, and all I can remember is him going out on a bad tango head. 

Already embracing the sparkle !

On to the women, although there are hardly any women being rumoured this year - I guess after last year's female domination and the sociological revolution of TWO WOMEN now presenting a primetime show the powers-that-be think we can't handle any more oestrogen. Although, loving that the most steadfast rumour so far has been Judy Murray. Yeah, she might be 'just' the mum of someone famous but she's great at what she does and a Strictly superfan, and we all love those on the show.

But to be fair, if she didn't have a famous son, we wouldn't know who she was. How many tennis coaches do you know? Go on. Tell me. Go on. So she doesn't fit the code. Heck, I sound like Dexter. I objected to Abbey Clancy on the basis that no one would care if she hadn't married a footballer. However, I am willing as ever, to quit the moaning and give her a fair shot (boom boom) once the show starts. Before that it's fair game. (boom boom).

Elsewhere in the bargain-bin of female contestants we have Caroline Flack (oooh nicking someone from the X Factor, tabloid fodder a-hoy!) and Michelle Collins (soap star box...TICK!). And that seems to be...errr...it? You'd better have some tricks up your sleeve BBC, a Hollywood hottie? A disgraced footballer? William Hague?!

Has Michelle Collins not already been in it? She seems so obvious my brain has conjured false memories. She danced with Darren Bennett, I swear it. 

I've saved something delightful for the end...just close your eyes and imagine if this one came true...there have been the strongest rumours ever this year that Torvill and Dean could be on the show! They aren't called Chris and Jayne by the way, I'm not having it. Everyone loves them, they'd work so hard, we'd get one last chance to bitch about how awful Dancing on Ice was - BBC, make it happen! 

Ooh. Can't see it happening (I take that comment back if it happens.) But Strictly is all about the gimmick these days, and that's a biggie.