How Bazaar

The mysteries of Strictly have always confused us: why did Erin think puppets were right for a show dance? Whatever happened to Hayley Holt? Just how does Claudia look like such a hot mess every week? And THEN we have the biggest mystery ever - whoever thought Around The World Week was a good idea? Buckle up, you're in for a bumpy ride...

Pixie and Trent

Death slot, Viennese Waltz, human props and the worst costumes of the night (well, actually that skirt is gorgeous) - but whatever, these two are so likeable and pull it off with a tongue-in-cheek manic smile as ever. Maybe the Dutch theming was that we'd all been smoking something. The song totally suited it though, round and round like a windmill.

WTF

Mark and Karen

My relief that Mark wasn't dressed as Elvis was so huge that I could have forgiven this dance quite a lot. Also, Karen's drag queen feather duster dress takes some beating. Unfortunately, he came a cropper with this one - I think it might have been under-rehearsed. The timing was off and it seemed a bit laboured. Also, apparently that was salsa. Let's hope the shirt-ripping gets him some votes, because that was his worst for a while.

WTF

Sunetra and Brendan

Being the favourite to go and getting the rumba in a themed week isn't really going to put a spring in your step, is it? Saying that, I loved the song, beautiful and appropriate and vaguely latin tinged, which you NEVER get with a rumba! Good work from Sunetra though, with some fluidity and smoothness and, as ever, a fab routine from Brendan. Unfortunately, I think they're already resigned to leaving this week...

WTF 

Oh, oh, OK, can I just say that this was a lovely music choice for a rumba and a beautiful arrangement by the band. Lovely simple choreography from Brendan but Sunetra's never really managed to sort out her sloppy legs and feet, so as nice as this was (and it was better than Jake's - so shoot me), I think she may possibly be a goner this week. 

Caroline and Pasha

This was the dance I was most looking forward to this week, if only because Caroline's been so excited about it! Pasha's fez probably wins the Biggest Stereotype of this theme week, he looks like he's in panto! This was totally their best dance - the sheer amount of Charleston she was doing, swivels and solos and lifts all over the place. And what's more, she was so good I barely noticed all the human props faffing around in the background - well done!

And... 

Frankie said earlier that this 'transcended the theme.' She's right. It was so good, you didn't notice the props and lops (live props). But please note, I am saying that this was good in spite of the theme not because of it. Well done Caroline and Pasha. 

Simon and Kristina

Appropriate-theming alert! And THEN they came out and did a properly lovely waltz. Who would have thunk? Lovely sherbet lemon dress on Kristina too, who seemed a little overwhelmed by the whole thing.

And...

OK, an Austrian themed waltz is about the most acceptable theme of the evening. I like Simon and he's going from strength to strength. And whoever had the idea to shove the extra dancers at the back out the way? Genius.  

Frankie and Kevin

It took me a while to work out that they're outfits were supposed to be Hawaiian, mainly because Frankie looks like she's been styled as Tiger Lily from a panto of Peter Pan. Despite the painful flying surfboard intro this was so cute, I couldn't help but like it. So much energy and so many steps - compared to their ill-advised Happy Days Charleston this was a lot more fun. Pixie wins the Battle of the Ringers for me, but this was an unexpected pleasure. 

WTF

Jake and Janette

This was the one we were all waiting for, the randomness of the Greek Argentine Tango. Well, the song was closer to a tango than a lot of the songs we've had this year I didn't think it was going to be all that random at first. And then Jake started shouting at me - what have I done Jake? I didn't make you do this panto routine and tangle you up with a load of backing dancers. It was odd, he didn't dance it well, I think Janette might murder someone. 

DON'T GET ME STARTED. 

Hips Do Lie Actually, Shakira

We're back in the studio this week, after the blast-the-cobwebs-away weekend that was the Blackpool Bonanza. Now we're left wonder what is in store for this week, the Blackpool Hangover is now the stuff of legend, it's hard to get excited after all that camptastic wonder. But hurrah for Claudia being back, and rocking a Beyonce bedazzled jumpsuit, no less! Also quite shocked it's only four weeks to the final, where did the year go? I need Brucie and his lame Christmas shopping references!

Clauds! 

Steve and Ola

I never thought this was going to be good, but no need to wedge a mid-90s children's TV theme into it! Although props to him for doing a solo at the start, that'll always make you feel a bit sick with nerves. Considering we heard on ITT that Steve's body could shatter into a million pieces at any point, he didn't do too badly and stuck with the routine, but it was a bit clompy-stompy. I think Steve may have plateaued...

Whilst I know he has a bad ankle and this dance was always going to be tricky for him, it's week ... what week is it? 8, 9?... well, far enough into the competition to catch the faint whiff of final. And this dance was about the level of a week two or three effort. Steve's progression has not been great enough to warrant his continued place in the competition. If he's not gone this week, he will be the next. This was subject to bizarre and arbitrary themeage once again. If it's absolutely necessary to give someone a cheerleading theme (absolutely necessary), it ought to be someone with the potential to give more pep. Pep. I love that word. Pep. 

Caroline and Pasha

Caroline is allowed to look sophisticated for once and isn't made to wear a lime green puffball or something equally horrible. And an American Smooth with a classy song, who would've thunk? Yet more gorgeous arms from Caroline, she can waft like a pro! And what kicks, what they didn't do in lifts they made up for with showstopping choreography, I've never seen someone spin on the floor with such class.

Classy, elegant, appropriate song. What was with the under-marking, judges? Or even if these were about right, what was with the over-marking everyone else? Further convinced that the scores are decided before the show even starts. Conspiracy theory, you may shout at me in horror, but there is something just not sitting right with these scores... On another note: Pasha in a tux. 

Pixie and Trent

Pixie wins spangle-tastic dress of the week hands down. Like Tess said, probably the fastest Charleston ever, it was exhausting to watch! They threw absolutely everything at this dance, even the kitchen sink from the most random foxtrot ever a few weeks ago. I can't believe I'm saying this, but it might even have been a bit toooo manic, there was hardly time to recover from one step into the next. Not my favourite Charleston ever, but once again, Pixie and Trent bring a highlight every week. 

Pixie wins costume of the series so far. Of course there's the whole RINGAH thing but Pixie brings personality, charisma and pizzazz to each of her performances which makes me actually not care. I actually found her leg action a tad ... squatty... in this dance. As if this very sparkly celeb was trying to lay a very sparkly Faberge egg in the midst of her swivels. That saying though, these, along with another couple... who I shall mention further down the post... 

Mark and Karen

Oh look at Mr Cutie Pie Eyes-and-Teeth Mark trying to do a tango face! It's testament to his improvement that there is no way Mark could have done a tango that well four or five weeks ago. And my word, a tango song that didn't make me curl my toes in abject horror. Not his best dance, but certainly not anything to be embarrassed about, I now actually want to see him try and do an Argentine Tango.

This was a great song. If this dance had been a cha cha cha, not a tango. Love Mark and this was competent, but that Craig scored it higher than Caroline? See conspiracy above. 

Frankie and Kevin

What's New Pussycat is the most delightfully eccentric choice for a Viennese Waltz, I can't believe it's taken us about 10 years to get to it. A VW never really sets the world on fire, but it was classic and dizzy-making. The slide at the end looked a bit like she'd fainted, in a falling-with-style Buzz Lightyear way. Am I the only one who misses the group VW numbers when it looked like the contestants were about to end up in a mass pile-up?

No, they were lovely, I miss those. It was all very pretty and placed, but a tad dull. This pair reeks of Rachel Stevens. Lovely, but something missing. 

Jake and Janette

I don't think I've ever been as sick of hearing about a person's body part more than Jake's hips, they've had more attention than Bill Turnbull's mouldy ankle and Natalie Gumede's back combined! Decent samba rolls, proper shimmies, terrible arms, really quite worrying gurning face - all overshadowed by him basically pointing his bum into our living rooms! And who chose the lighting? I thought I was going to have some sort of seizure! Ginormous mess of a dance, massively overmarked.

I am getting the impression that Jake is more pleased with himself than he ought to be. He also seems to be labouring under the misapprehension that latin dances just involve moving one's hips. Fuelled by comments to that effect by the BBC and on Twitter, it took me completely by surprise when he moved his feet in this routine at all. Despite the judges saying that the only samba move in this samba was executed badly, they still gave this high scores. The samba rolls were about as roll at the Barbican.. I actually despair. 

Sunetra and Brendan

What a delightful change of pace, and sumptuous in velvet, it was like a Marks and Spencers food advert of a waltz. Not too sure about the song, it didn't quite work waltzing-wise or emoting-wise. Little bit worried that they'll get forgotten in the voting.

Trying to squeeze a random slow tempo into waltz timing again? The phrasing makes it sound stunted, and this is not the fault of the band who actually made a pretty nice arrangement out of a dreadful situation. But for a celeb who's used to hearing the track in its usual time signature, the forced phrasing it bound to throw them out. However, Brendan's usual beautiful choreography cheered me up in the middle of a more than usually grumpy evening. 

Simon and Kristina

After last week's breakthrough AT (has anyone had a breakthrough so late? Ah, Gethin...), the pressure was on for potential salsa of doom. As much as I hate comedy VTs I kinda loved the fake movie trailer "excuse me, you dropped your...legwarmers". Do you know what, this was an absolute delight! So much content, great armography, actual hip work rather than someone shoving their bum in your face, and both of them having a great time. Kristina is always so ridiculously happy when her partner does well, it really makes me chuckle - great work guys!

Hated the song. And it wasn't really salsa. But we know that now, guys? Please tell me you know that.  However, I shall do what I did when Natalie Gumede was in a similar situation last year. I shall overlook the music and the fact that the dance wasn't really the dance it said it was, and look at potential. And my, I think Simon could dance an amazing salsa given the opportunity. In fact, even despite the song, it was definitely one of the better salsa dances in Strictly history. Simon leads, and his timing is spot on. He dances with his body (NOT JUST HIS HIPS). So along with Pixie, Simon is fast becoming my favourite. 

Blackpool Bonanza!

BLACKPOOL! BLACKPOOL BLACKPOOL! The Tower, candyfloss, trams, rock, donkeys, the tangerine football team, looking down on Fleetwood - there is literally everything about Blackpool in this episode. Hold on to your sparkly sunhats, and away we go....

Frankie and Kevin
Got to say I loved the kids pretending to be SCD pros, and the tiny Kevin and Joanne was so cute. Kind of like Frankie's dress but thinking of Cher from Clueless, or was this some sort of attempt to be...punk? Anyway, a delightful quickstep, charging around like that football pitch of a floor without even pausing for breath. I do have to say I loved watching Kevin having a Blackpool-gasm near the end, kind of upstaged Frankie there!

Jake and Janette
He's had a hairy few weeks, really hoping he didn't peak too soon - hopefully an AS at Blackpool will give it the wow factor. I can see that this was a very good routine from them, and I don't want to be grumpy for Blackpool, but this for me was ruined by the human prop dancers, they were completely distracting! Great piece altogether though, good job Janette, although would it really be the end of the world if Jake was allowed to smile?

Sunetra and Brendan
Hated the hen-night intro apart from the fact that Brendan got to go all Johnny Castle yet again! And, just like a night out in Blackpool, the staggering hens just kept coming back. Len was right, it was her best latin, a lot quicker and less clunky than some of them, but on the whole it wasn't that great when the standard already seems so high tonight. Extra points for Brendan's hips please!

Simon and Kristina
They finally unpacked the AT for this series, better than doing it as early as Halloween. They did a very clever job with the lighting marking out the smaller area of the massive floor, it gave it an intimacy that I didn't expect. Plus, EPIC song. I really liked this, Simon pulled it out of the bag more than I was expecting, especially when it built towards the end. Nice nifty footwork - could this have saved Simon in a week as sticky as Blackpool rock? (Omg, that was a pun of Tess proportions).

Judy and Anton
Anton is dressed as Bert Goes to the Seaside, I love it, someone make that sequel. And that song, I'll be whistling it until Christmas. I might be going crazy in all the Blackpool-ness, but I actually thought she'd made an improvement on her ballroom work. There aren't many steps in a VW and it seemed like they'd had a decent stab at it. Good job guys.

Mark and Karen
Karen looks a bit...naked? But fabulous, obviously. I had high expectations for this Charleston, Mark's quickstep and jive were so good it just made sense, I really should learn about having high Charleston expectations? I just never really lifted off into the hyper glee that you need in this dance. I think the song just might have been a bit ploddy and slow? Not that it wasn't well-performed, and not that I don't still want him to go far, just bring back the magic next week.

Pixie and Trent
They've raided the dressing up box again, are the Lannisters going Targaryen this week? Who cares, they had so much gumption they outdanced the human props and left them in the ashes! Gosh, it's a good job I've picked up the phrase bonkers-awesome because I can't think of any other way to describe them. Great Spanish lines from Pixie, oodles of paso content and more grrr than you can shake a stick at. Also, who chose War of the Worlds? The fine line between genius and madness...

Steve and Ola
Not going to lie, in the midst of the Blackpool crazyess, this was totally underwhelming. I can just see them turning up to rehearsal and seeing everyone else and thinking, 'oh bugger, we've just got some people wafting net curtains around'. It wasn't bad, Steve's ballroom is still coming along quite nicely, but I would worry they're going to be forgotten.

Caroline and Pasha
Nothing like having a Spice Girls outfit foisted on you for no apparent reason, although Twitter did seem to go into meltdown at the sight of Pasha in uniform. And wow, amazing solo at the start from Caroline, Pasha knows how to work his girls hard! Again, packed with jive content and great synchronisation from the two of them. What a night it's been!

The Return of Ballroom

Halloween is over, thank goodness, for another year and Blackpool is on the horizon...can you see it? The sparkling lights, the smell of candyfloss and donkey poo - if you can't see it, they're going to mention it at least a million times this week, Blackpool Blackpool Blackpool! We love it, but first, we must see the celebs battle to make it to the Home of Ballroom - can't believe we're halfway through this series already!

Good to see Zoe back looking all spangle-tastic,

Was this ballroom and latin themed week?!

Simon and Kristina

Good to see Kristina back in Marilyn Monroe mode and Simon in tails, not good to see them in the death slot. Great music choice too - it might have been used before but it's so perfect for a rip-roaring quickstep. A bit sloppy on the top line and hold, but we didn't have to scream GAPPING at you all, which I'm sure you're grateful for. Great Charleston interludes too and both of them looked like they were having the time of their lives. Simon's 9 face was wonderful too, he looked like he'd been slapped in the face.

This was quite a delightful way to open the show. Zippy, syncopated and timing as spot on as Spot the Dog under a spotlight in Spott - FYI, Spott is a small village on the eastern fringes of East Lothian...totes had to Google map that - Simon is becoming a real contender. Dave Arch and his Strictly band always excel at these classics too. Welcome back, actual ballroom dancing. 

Caroline and Pasha

Despite the wardrobe department trying to sabotage her yet again, Caroline pulls off the sparkly-mermaid-caught-in-a-bit-of-netting look rather well. She's not had to do a lot of traditional ballroom yet, but she pulled it off pretty well. She might have looked a bit uncomfortable in hold, but the whole thing fit together, and gorgeous pivot turns. I do like a pivot turn.

Sweet Caroline, I couldn't tell if it was the dancing or the camera angles that made it look as though she were about to wobble over. The dress did not suit her, being half ephemeral mer-person and half Wicker Man. But it wasn't a bad job in the grand scheme of things - in the opening bars, her arms were just exquisite - it was all just a little tense-of-shoulder in parts. Perhaps she had a chilly neck. We will buy her a scarf. 

Jake and Janette

Ooh it's a blokey-rumba, whatever shall we do? Really liking the slightly left-field music choice, it's a slow number but not an OTT shmaltzy ballad. Wasn't 100% sold on this, but there were plenty of good parts. The hips were good, the top half not so much - it looked like he was repeatedly hugging her at times.

For starters, rumba does not have to be slutty. As Mr Cole argued last year, it can be gentle and romantic. It's all down to interpretation. So, in that respect, it was a nice dance. However, having smoke wafting around the floor was a sure fire way to disguise poor technique. But it's not fooling me *evil laugh*. Jake, we know you can move your hips and that is a huge advantage but you have to let other limbs join in the fun. 

Judy and Anton

It's ANDY! They've finally got Andy in! Blatantly under duress, but whatever. I cannot get over how bad Judy's paso arms were, how hard is it just to stick your arms out? Think this was their weakest dance for a while, the paso is very distinct and it just didn't come through and the themeing wasn't funny. I do have my suspicions Judy will bow out gracefully at Blackpool...

So Judy had a saunter about the floor and Anton did some ban-tah. At least she has the grace to be self-deprecating about it like any good British person.

Brendan and Suntera

Hurrah, they're back to gorgeous ballroom! Sunetra also wins the gorgeous sparkly pouffy dress of the week. Once again, and I don't know how many times I've written this now, Brendan brought out an amazing routine - even with the arm-hanky peekaboo incident. There was a mood to this, real romance and I actually went 'awwww' out loud at the end, I don't know what's coming over me...

Brendan over the years has become a dab hand at elegant, classy ballroom routines, and this was no different. The problem is, this had the potential to wow, but there were too many technical issues. There was gapping abundant - in parts, you could have driven the Tate Modern between them. If the Tate Modern was on wheels, that is. Still a fan, Sunetra, but it's getting closer to the end and an increased level of improvement is required. 

Alison and Aljaz

Well if Alison can't do a Charleston, we might as well all go home. Crazy song choice that somehow worked and Aljaz put together a great routine for it. A but sloppy in places, could have had a bit more swivel, but her best dance for weeks. Plus I think we're all properly awake after that!

Initially her swivel and double bounce action was great, but Alison can't sustain that level of energy throughout a whole routine. It was jolly good fun, and her best dance yet, but I can't help but feel she's on borrowed time now. 

Mark and Karen

Oh gosh, our naff-tastic Towie boy has grown up into a ballroom dancer. Even when he's distracted by dirty leaves falling from the ceiling. Yet another proper ballroom dance tonight, I'm starting to sound like Len! Well done boy. Well done to Karen too for pulling off a pepto-bismol princess dress without looking like Barbie.

Despite the saccharine nature of the whole affair, this was lovely. My favourite dance of the evening and fast becoming my favourite couple. Loved the appropriate waltz music, despite it being a repeat, and loved the simple, traditional, elegant choreography and costumes.  

Frankie and Kevin

Well those outfits are...something. Are we at the stage where we're sticking glitter on stuff from the Primark bargain bin again? There is a donkey as a nod to Blackpool though! I didn't have high hopes for Frankie and the samba, thought she'd be a bit stiff, but she actually gave it some welly. Probably her best latin since the Paso (aka the Paso of Donny Doom), great samba rolls too! Disclaimer - not as good as the bonkers-awesomeness of Pixie's samba.

Appropriate music and a latin flavour, so very pleased about that, though seemed much faster than other sambas we've seen. Props and theme not necessary. This was packed full of steps but Frankie had very little hip movement and seemed disengaged throughout the performance. Kevin's top looked like something a children's TV presenter would have worn circa 1986.

Pixie and Trent

So these guys get the crazy themed vintage dance - of course! Thank god these two can style out pretty much anything, even dancing around furniture from a low-budget kitchen sink drama. Great foxtrot content and brilliantly performed, although it's hardly keepin' up wit da kids! Not sure about the 10 for such a random dance, but Pixie is bringing us something new, skilled and entertaining every week.

Bizarre theme. But, and I can't believe I am saying this, it kind of worked. Maybe it's just these two have the chutzpah to pull off whatever's thrown at them. I'm not sure I would have given it a 10 but I suspect there's a ploy to create a rivalry between Frankie and Pixie. Conspiracy, much?

Steve and Ola

Don't know what's funnier, Steve's emergency facial hair or Ola's Christmas knickers! I do love watching Ola do the paso, it's one of her best, I was a bit scared by Steve's face though - there's serial killer face and then there's hiding behind the sofa face! This was always going to be one of his best, even after the Ballroom Breakthrough a few weeks ago, and he gave it some oomph, but it didn't set my evening alight.

So Steve reminded me of Dexter in this dance. Yes, the serial killer. I half expected him to stop in the middle to slice up a blood orange. I'm not sure that's what you want in a dance, even a paso doble. Having said that, it was strong, and danced well. I preferred his ballroom, but this is his best latin. As Frankie says though, it was always going to be. 

Fright Night V

Get ready to hide behind the sofa, it's the FIFTH Strictly Halloween Special, mwaaahahahaha! We usually open these posts by being rather grumpy, and by the end we're epically grumpy (Halloween is not our favourite night of the year for SCD) - but this year I, at least, am going into it with an open mind. Just so long as there aren't more props than actual dance steps...

I'm grumpy.

Halloween Dress Watch: Tess looks like that person who thinks wearing a black top counts as a Halloween outfit...Zoe looks properly spangly and on-the-money. Speaking of Zoe, very glad to have her on board, and may the little Winkleman get well soon. I'm also still loving the judges dancing on - so there!

I do not like the judges dancing on. In the words of one of my colleagues over a watermelon mojito last week: "it puts me in a bad mood for the rest of the whole show."

Opening number? Scooby Doo acting abounds as ever - and how does every pro Halloween number just look like Rocky Horror these days?!

Sunetra and Brendan

Literal choreography alert! Running to...running from....praying! The moving around of the furniture did manage to cover up that this wasn't really Sunetra's best dance. The jive is really hard and she seems more of a ballroom girl, Brendan's kicks just looked so much sharper than hers. Good to see that they keep the original Northern Soul music though. I hope being in the death slot doesn't mean an exit in this week of all weeks!

First things first, was this bed formerly the table from last year's boardroom tango? Or possibly one of the beds from the NHS segment of the 2012 Olympic Opening Ceremony? For I thought I had not seen bedography before, but then I had forgotten about Danny Boyle's brain. Sunetra's definitely a ballroom girl. She manages the top half of latin relatively well, but below the swarovski-encrusted belt, it's all a little flollopy. I do like her - and Brendan, despite his facial get up of a ghostly version of Lorne, the karaoke demon from Angel - but sadly this week not enough to give her one of my precious votes. Loved the song though.

Alison and Aljaz

Aljaz wins the guyliner wars for the second year in a row, he's also one of the few male pros not buried under 9 tonnes of makeup. I think this might actually have been Alison's best ballroom - the American Smooth doesn't need a lot in hold and when they actually were in hold it did seem a little better. But my word, the facial expressions! Alison looked like she was on a lot of medication - can we all have some please?

Well. I'm not quite what to say because this was incredibly surreal. all. She came in like a wrecking ball (as proclaimed by a friend of mine, who incidentally also once peed next to Brendan Cole - true story) and proceeded to waft her way around the floor like linen sheets in a tumble-dryer. And yet, I loved it. I smiled from beginning to end. Alison can dance, and I actually think this week she was under-marked. 

Simon and Kristina

EPIC paso song - Poison is camp, over the top and creepy. I'd take it in a normal week, let alone Halloween week. Also, he's dressed as the Riddler in green eye shadow for some reason. This was pretty good, very strong performance from Simon, he's given 100% yet again. Kristina looks amazing in the catsuit, but think I would have preferred a full paso skirt.

Can we all just take a moment to consider the point that Simon is leading Kristina around the floor? I'm not seeing that from any other male celebs this year - no, *dodges bullets*, not even The Untouchable Mr Wood (is that the porn version of The Unsinkable Molly Brown?). I thought this was great - his lines could have been better but there was a musicality in his movement that I'm not seeing in all other contestants this year. He totes got some votes. 

Steve and Ola

AMAZING costumes, I think they might be my favourites of the night. My hopes were really, really high for this number and I was sad that it didn't turn out quite right. After his energetic quickstep I thought this was going to be epic, but I guess it just wasn't the right dance for him. Hopefully they've picked up enough fans along the way to get through this week.

In a dark, dark town, there was a dark, dark street; and in the dark, dark street there was a dark, dark studio; and in the dark, dark studio there were two skeletons dancing a somewhat mediocre charleston. This could have been very good but all mistakes were unfortunately magnified by the studio lights reflecting off dem dry bones. 

Pixie and Trent

I'm genuinely a bit scared of Trent, most weeks, not just Halloween. Although that was overshadowed by Pixie's hair, as was the audience, the studio and the sun. This was suitably bonkers, I rather enjoyed it actually. The fact that they were able to put little electric details in the routine alongside the tango just shows how far ahead of everyone Pixie is (dirty ringa klaxon!). It was pure bombast, but great fun.

So this is what it would be like if the Lannisters went to hell and took control of the underworld. And there was a musical version of that. It was packed full of tango - and exquisitely executed, but I couldn't keep my eyes off Pixie's hair - in itself, the size of a small nation. Trent sort of just looked like a waxwork version of himself. 

Judy and Anton

Well, we just knew this would be a camp as knickers, didn't we? I did worry that Judy couldn't even take off her coat without looking clumsy, but what a marvellous outfit. Anton on the other hand has just come in his own clothes. The stiffness returned, I loved how she grimaced every time they went into a lift. The steps were better, but she's still behind everyone...apart from Scott.

Judy looking as classy and as lovely as ever. But yeah, in the words of a schoolgirl-witch-doppelganger-vampire: bored now. 

Jake and Janette

I really loved this, they were wearing Halloween outfits but that dance could have come from any week. He struggled a bit with the Spanish line at first, but then really got into the grrr of it all. I seemed to be in the minority on Twitter about that, but I really enjoyed Janette's choreography.

Now I'm not saying it was bad. It wasn't. It was good. But it's not automatically good just because it's Jake. I'm glad the judges brought up issues with it because he's kind of been getting a free ride. His line was more Spennymoor than Spanish, and he's got a very straight upright kind of posture in every dance he does. He isn't dancing from his middle - something that I think Simon, for example, is doing - he's very arm-and-leg. I'm actually feeling a bit mean whilst writing this (seriously - I do have a heart) because he is, quite honestly, very, very good. But that doesn't explain why it looked like a six year old had drawn on him with a 2b pencil. (I've had a really bad week...)

Caroline and Pasha

These two seemed to get the bargain bin costumes for Halloween this year, plus the samba is the worst dance to be given for Halloween. Felt quite sorry for the two of them with this one, it was a perfectly perfunctory samba and performed well, but nothing to write home about amongst all the madness.

Besides a few rolls, I saw very little samba in this routine. The first few steps looked like poorly executed cha cha, American Rhythm style, and many of the other steps seemed more like salsa. Ish. That's no slight on Caroline though, as she's technically great; it's also not really a slight on Pasha because - again - that was an appalling choice of music for that dance. As for the aforementioned rolls though, I wonder if we should call them samba barms in the north. Just a thought.

Scott and Joanne

Joanne looks amazing as Morticia, much less jazz-hands than usual. I actually quite liked this, I can't believe I'm saying this but it was actually quite charming. There was foxtrot content in there, even with the face pulling, and he managed to do it without falling over. Despite the gimmicks, they had put some work into the dancing - I think this could save him for another week.

This does not deserve my words. Fine, if you find it entertaining. (Do you? Do you really? I worry for you.) But Darcey, praising the performance and marking as she did narks me to next September. If the show were called Strictly Come Acting, her comments would actually be relevant. 

Mark and Karen

Loving Karen's post-night-out-on-the-lash look, but not as much as I loved this jive! So cute and bouncy, lots of content, everything you'd want from a jive. Has this made Mark suddenly a real player this series? He's been quietly plugging away whilst still keeping his excitable-puppy style. He can even over shadow Karen looking like she's been pulled out of a ditch.

THIS IS MORE LIKE IT. This was my favourite dance of the evening. These are the reasons: Mark started out OK, but not amazing, hence: journey -we may not say it but we do still like it. It was also relatively gimmick free. And the dancing was spot on. They were completely in sync and his timing was excellent. Mark is the male Abbey Clancy. I am now saying this at least once a week. And the more I say it, the more I believe it. 

Frankie and Kevin

Frankie and Kevin look marvellous, but this is a terrible, terrible song choice for a tango - it screams American Smooth! Saying that, it was full of content and very well performed by the two of them. The song is so good everyone got a bit carried away - I can't say this was a bad dance, because it really wasn't, but for heaven's sake BBC, pick the right songs!

Poor Kevin. Having to choreograph a tango to a piece of music so unwholly unsuitable it might as well have been the dance of the bloody sugarplum fairy. Not only was it in 4/4 time, there were variations in tempo that made it impossible to have any consistency of movement. But it wasn't about the dancing was it? It was about the production. But whoever's 'genius' idea it was to pick that, please don't praise yourself too much. Copying a West End show does not a creative make. Grow an imagination, dumbass.

As for Frankie, she can dance, we know that. She's just an unfortunate pawn in my rant of the week. But also, weird math: Frankie + Green Make Up = Kelly Brook. Watch it back. Spooky.