Sunday, 18 September 2016

The Winning Formula - Version 8.0!

As I sit down to write the 8th version of the Winning Formula (for the newbies, the totally-scientific way I determine who will win SCD every year) I think to myself, should I have pursued a career in algorithms? Then I realise that last year the Formula only predicted two of the finalists...admittedly, it was Georgia and Jay, so that's pretty good, but it also included Kirsty and we all know how that turned out. (The fact that I also had to Google how to spell algorithms should also say something). Formula, you have your work cut out this year.

1) Get the party started
I'm astounded that year after year this seems to work - it started out as a joke way back in series 4 I think (sigh, those were the days). If you dance first on the opening show, you get to the final. End of. Last year it was Kellie Bright, with the really annoying pseudo-tango-with-60s-theme-wedged-into-it on the Friday show, and the fallback option of the Saturday show saw JAY dance first! Seriously, we might as well just decide after the first 10 minutes if we are to believe the evidence. I don't think we should expect Ed Balls on first this time around...

2) Quit your day job
If there's something Jay vs Kellie taught us last year, it's that being an unemployed boyband member makes for a much more relaxed contestant than one that is being simultaneously flogged to death in the Eastenders sweatshop of the performing arts. This will bode well for Ed Balls, I'm sure, although I fear for Tameka's sanity. Saying that, I don't think there's an abundance of day jobs this year, Laura and Melvin may still be working, but I'm not seeing a lot more. Although I'm sure for Rinder, the law never sleeps. As for the BBC-newsreader-anomaly, we actually have TWO contestants this year, who's up for a Naga-Ore final?

3) Blondes don't have more fun
Another blonde was pipped to the glitterball, soz Kellie, the odds were stacked against you. I don't know what the British public has against blondes, but Anastacia, Laura and Rinder have an uphill battle on their hands. Also, as it is officially the Most Ginger Year Ever on SCD, we will continue to root for Greg in our crusade to have our first ginger winner - hey, if he could even make the final that would be a triumph for his species.

4) Latin fever
It's true, we have never had a ballroom specialist pro win SCD, the latin types continue to rule the sparkly roost. Now this means that whoever Anton dances with is automatically disqualified, but it also leaves us GUTTED that it means Natalie's partner has to go, and there has never been a time I have wanted to be proven wrong. Joanne has also made a return, evening up the balance of ballroom vs latin pros ever so slightly - could this be the year one of them finally lifts the glitterball? 

5) Age is more than a number
Well since this is supposed to be the youngest line-up since 1987 or whatever, it seems unlikely that someone over the age of 40 is going to finally break that age barrier and win SCD. British public, you are so cruel with your hatred of slightly older people, blondes, ballroom dancers and...people in employment? This includes Anastacia, Ed and Lesley. Louise is 41 and should have given in to those long-standing requests to do SCD a couple of years ago, same goes for Naga. They should have taken a leaf out of Tameka's book and snuck in aged 39!

6) Embrace the sparkle!
As we have learned, year on year, embracing the sparkle is key. Whether it be fake-tanning to a delightful shade of teak, to double-dipping yourself in glitter, you've got to feel it, or you won't win it. And it has to be said, this year's line-up of people seem to have it in bucketloads! You've got super-fan Laura, the ball of energy that is Tameka, bonkers Anastacia, Ore desperate to get on the dancefloor, and Rinder seems to already be having a life-changing experience. People who I think are holding back include Louise and Will, but give them a couple of weeks cha-cha-ing and I'm sure they'll be swinging from the glitterball.

So there we are, here is my patented Winning Formula equation:

Dance first - day job + brunette x latin pro > 40 years old + sparkle = WINNER!

Come back after opening weekend to see who the Formula predicts will make the SCD final!

So, the results are in and it appears our finalists should be...

1 comment:

Salsa Kurse Z├╝rich said...

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