Where is the Luuurve?

So apparently it's luuuurve week. Well, we've been calling it that for a while to emphasise the pure the ridiculousness of this. But let us steel ourselves, this doesn't look like a theme of Halloween proportions - in fact it just looks like they've bought some crepe paper and heart-shaped balloons!

Has David Cameron personally sanctioned this pro-marriage agenda?

Abbey and Aljaz

Well, this isn't the sweeping romantic epic I was expecting from lurve week, jives aren't the most delicate of things! Cute outfit and song choice though, Abbey looks so much like Sienna Miller! Hilarious use of the sitting down gimmick 'look, I'm doing the legs, honest!'. She threw herself into it, but it was her least technically good dance so far, but the poor thing did have to do it in hideous under-the-knee-socks that even a model can't make look good.

Abbey didn't even look like Abbey. And the jive is so tricky for the twiglet-limbed. Although nothing wrong with her timing or musicality, this did come across as a tad ungainly and Bambi-like. Great song though. And Alijaz Does Scouse is my new favourite thing. Campaign for segment on ITT. 


Patrick and Anya

Now this smooth pile of smoothie-ness was what I was expecting from lurve week! And if you squint a bit you can pretend Anya is Lilia. There was serious gapping, and an entertaining interlude where he tottered about on his toes cos he did something wrong. Not as odd as last week, but still not doing much to grab the public's attention...

Great to see a little character from Patrick but this was grossly overmarked. Perhaps the the judges got swept away on the cloud of poofiness that was Anya's dress. At times it felt as though he were just sauntering through the street on a sunny Sunday. That does not a foxtrot make. But foxtrot. It is the worst of the trots. But they just aren't doing it for me. Challenge to change my mind. 


Dave and Karen

We knew this one was going to wake things up a little bit. There was capework, there was a mullet dress, there were funny faces - all key things for a paso. Unfortunately, there was also a lot of stompy walking.

Better eye-catching and manic than forgettable and boring. See above. Dave's not a dancer but my lord, he can olé. Nice touch at the end there. Made me forget about the actual dancing. Or lack thereof. 

Fiona and Anton

I really need everyone to stop talking about Anton's trouser incident last week, it makes me feel a bit queasy. Speaking of clothing, those are the worst crimes of sleeves against older women for a long time. Obviously their best dance so far, if Anton can't teach you to waltz then you might as well go home and watch the X Factor. And we wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I liked this and I'm liking this couple. Quite unexpected from someone who has been casually plotting Anton's demise for the past three series. I jest. Frankie's right though: if Anton can't teach you a waltz, you might as well pack your bags and head to, I don't know, somewhere random and insignificant. Hull? (Apologies to any readers from Hull. I stabbed my finger at Google Maps.) This was twee, but pretty and Fiona dressed as a sugared almond could have looked worse. 

Rachel and Pasha

Are we just picking any random song with love in the title? Maybe without a soulless dance tune this could have had some fun in it, and a cha cha needs fun by the bucketload. Rachel needs to improve her facial expressions, she's not with the dance, she's going through the routine in her head. Again, a bit tentative and stiff, give her some ballroom.

Cautious and steppy, cha cha wasn't Rachel's dance. Len and I were not watching the same thing. I did not see straight legs. If I could have been able to put my hand on a protractor (I have not seen once since I sat my maths GCSE in 2000) I would have liked to measure the angle of her knees. Which didn't change for much of the dance. She's not yet at ease with the performance aspect (Pasha, get her to an acting class. Matt Dawson Effect. Matt Dawson Effect.) but she is clearly enjoying the experience and I have no doubt she will improve. Let's hope it's sooner rather than later.

Mark and Iveta

After last week's festival of bonkerness my hopes were high this would be good. And it was, Mark can dance and I feel like Iveta knows what she's doing. Not crazy-wow-jazz-hands, but still telling a story. As a side note, I picked this song for MY American Smooth dream SCD scenario about five years ago, so it was a touch traumatic seeing someone else get to dance it. Yes, I am insane really.

Mark is a Lisa Riley, not a John Sergeant. He is a true entertainer but he can also dance. Thing is though, he is likely to get comedy scores from the judges rather than them noticing the fact that he's dancing. His steps were not steppy, they were swingy, just like anything in the American Smooth style should be. And he is clearly in the hands of an expert. I very much doubt he's our winner but he's a surefire mid to late serieser. 

NB. I was with Frankie when she discovered this song choice. The reaction was quite shrill. But I think she was secretly pleased. 

Ben and Kristina

Is this a case of getting the awkward dance out of the way as soon as possible? Then again, I'm not looking forward to the idea of Ben doing a jive either. But, what a surprise, I think this might have been his best dance - who would've thunk?! He didn't look like he was painfully just trying to get his way through it. There were extensions and lines and everything. Gosh.

Three things. He's got the rumba out the way. He danced it well. He's just delicious. For me, Ben is the archetypal journey contestant. If he carries on, I smell final. 

Sophie and Brendan

Following the epic-cynicism-shattering-Charleston-of-delights was going to be hard, especially with a samba. And in a dress that looks like one of those sticky-paper mosaics you make in primary school. It wasn't going to be blow-your-socks off, but it was jam-packed with content, as Brendan always does. Bit sloppy in the footwork, but it's a week three samba ffs!

Sophie danced this samba in an ironic, nonchalant, you'll-always-find-me-in-the-kitchen-in-Ikea-commercials way. And it sort of worked. Despite the fact she was dressed as the little plastic puzzle you get in a Christmas cracker. We were promised feathers. There weren't enough feathers. I want Rio! I want carnival! Nice content and not bad dancing at all. I reiterate: I can't wait for her quickstep. She's still in the running for me.  

Julien and Janette

So this is their latin pattern; Janette does some rather good dancing while Julien yelps around in the background? Actually, that's a bit mean, it probably was his best. It's a hyper-jumping around dance, it's kinda made for him! But doubt it will be enough to save him from the bottom two...

Julien is a cross between a battery operated puppy and Louie Spence. It wasn't good enough. It wasn't bad enough. Danger zone. Shame for Janette we are not getting to see more of what she can do as we would if she had a good partner. Such an improvement though: Julien's timing is fine and he looks like such a happy little elf when dancing. It's almost endearing.

Susanna and Kevin Grimsby

...and all of a sudden we're back in lurve week! I had pretty much forgotten about it. But hurrah for a romantic song, sweeping dress and, y'know, some proper dancing. Len said fleckerl, thank heavens for that! Loving, loving, loving these two, including Susanna pulling a properly shocked face when she got two nines.

Kevin has achieved cult status in the space of three weeks. A marvel. And what a lovely dance. Susanna is a great dancer but she's also accessible. It she doesn't make at least the semi-finals, I will eat my Moomin pyjamas. 

Vanessa and James

Vanessa appears to have come as a My Little Pony. And I could not take me eyes off her head for the whole time, the comedy facial expressions and the way she just randomly swiveled it round were hilarious. But a half-decent routine, even with the high kicks from the John Cleese school of choreography.

Don't go wasting your emotions. I can't see this partnership lasting much longer. Together, they don't make a likeable team. Furthermore, Vanessa was wearing a sausage roll on her head. It wasn't horrendous, but she came across as a little too pleased with herself. We are British. Self-deprecate or be gone. 

Ashley and Ola

Well that came out of nowhere! I get the feeling this is what they wanted all the lurve week routines to be like: pink and red, smoochy song, open shirt, saucy dancing. Thankfully it's only this one and it's a good one!

Ooh. In terms of technique, samba is probably even harder for a male celeb to get than rumba. I was not expecting this to be so good, but good it was. Ola looked delighted in a Camilla-when-Gethin-did-salsa way. 

Natalie and Artem

Sorry, is this week three? That was not a week three rumba, that was a semi-final pulling-out-all-the-stops-to-get-to-the-final rumba. I didn't really like the song choice, but it was acted so well and the routine was so fitting that I got over it. And woo for the snake slithering round someone's leg move! And hairography!

I beg to differ. I liked the song choice very much. This was stunning. She dances from her core in a way we haven't seen since Rachel Stevens had her breakthrough rumba. Natalie is in for the long haul. Can anyone catch her? 

Deborah and Robin

Not the obvious contender for the pimp slot, but there you go. And that is a proper dress for the older lady, unlike poor Fiona. Good work from Deborah, but felt like she was trying to keep up with Robin, which is often the way with a quickstep. Keep smiling Deborah, it's wonderful to see someone having such a good time!

This was jolly good fun and as always Robin got the very best out of his partner. She is so much more likeable than Vanessa and her enjoyment shows. I hope her scores only get higher and higher. See what I did there? *Groan* It's the end of the post and I'm out of steam.