Friday, 23 September 2011

The Winning Formula - Version 3.0

It's that time of year again, I'm pretending to have scientific abilities as I revisit my tried-and-tested Winning Formula for SCD. Hey, it's got to be better than Strictly Stats Man...and judging from last year there seems to be something in this!

1) Get the party started
This is unfortunately the weak link in the formula now and may have to be retired if this series does not give satisfactory results, so even more pressure on whoever is dancing first! The tradition of whoever dances first gets to the final was put out of joint for the second year by Felicity Kendall last year, anomalous or not, celebs, I'll be watching you.

2) Quit your day job
I'm looking at YOU Matt Baker, maybe if you hadn't dragged Aliona literally the length and breadth of the country whilst trying to learn to samba you might have pipped Kara to the post. Or maybe not... Either way, if your celeb has nothing better to do then all the better for you Strictly pros. There are no BBC newspeople this year, so we can't test that hypothesis unfortunately, but Dan Lobb had better not have to get up so early if he's going to win against the 'unemployed' types. And I hope Alex Jones is getting a bit of time off, show them this blog as proof if you're reading!

3) Blondes don't have more fun
This is possibly my new favourite variable, after pointing out that not only do brunettes always win but yet again a favourited blonde came third! Poor Pamela, we loved you. Guess this does not bode well for Robbie Savage, even if he and Ola are going on those joint trips to the hairdressers than they joke about on Twitter. Lulu and Holly might also consider a quick dye job. I wonder what this is about? Maybe the British public subconsciously hates blondes, but then again that would not explain the unfathomable popularity of Boris Johnson. Oh god, Boris Johnson on SCD...

4) Latin fever
Once again, the Latin dancers win out, even when they're a newcomer like Artem, so maybe Pasha has a hope. I guess that means we can watch the battle between Natalie and Erin continue once more, which could be even more fun as neither of them have an obvious favourite as a partner this year. Wonder who will resort to hypnotism or build a cyborg first. Anton doesn't count, in case you were wondering, although Nancy is brunette and lacks a day job...

5) Age is more than a number
Now this is a sensitive pointed out by Matt Ball from MSN, no-one over the age of 40 has ever won SCD. Shocking I know, call for a BBC inquiry right now I hear you cry, but this is science dammit and the evidence speaks for itself. So Harry, Holly, Chelsee Robbie and Alex there's no excuse for slacking or I'll send Arlene round to hit you with the glittery stick. In a moment of extreme SCD-geekery I have just googled how old Dan Lobb is and...he's not 40 until 7 January, just sneaking past the age-line there! Audley Harrison is 40 in October, maybe he should have done this last year.

6) Embrace the sparkle!
The least tangible, but most important, of variables, celebs I need you to embrace the sparkle! I want to see sequins, fake tan, ruffles, feathers and complete dedication to all things Strictly. Russell Grant may win for the biggest love of sparkle so far and we are really enjoying him on Twitter. Jason seems to be taking it very seriously, but might not have truly given himself over to spangled shirts yet. Robbie Savage seems to have some kind of ambiguous relationship with the sparkle, he blatantly loves it but doesn't want to show it, and we won't tolerate that!

So there we have it, the new revamped winning formula looks like this:

(Try to) dance first - day job (unless BBC news-bod) + brunette x latin pro > 40 years old + sparkle = VICTORY!

Less than a week to go celebs, you now know what you have to do...

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