Ruffles, scuffles and randomness!

It's that time of the week again, hope you're getting into a SCD routine because we're in for a long night with two full hours of sparkles! Will Brucie survive this long? Tess is dressed as Strictly Barbie again this week, but gotta love the glitz! This is probably the longest intro ever, wake me up when it's over...In other news the dress designers appear to have taken some acid this week.

Chelsee and Pasha

Laughing at Bruce's pyjama bottoms comment, what has the poor girl done to deserve some of the outfits they've put her in so far? Top half is really nice mermaid-chic, bottom half looks like an accident with a polar bear (later @scdmobile called them 'llama legs', which is hilarious but I cannot take credit for). But my word this girl can shake it! She might be my 'gusto' contestant already, not sure how salsa it actually was, but thought her footwork was really good.

OK. So less salsa, more ketchup. I'm not slating her dancing but this routine was about as latin as a baked spud. Why why why why why won't the producers allow some actual. latin. music? (I know I say the same every year) This was a tad bouncy but it was enthusiastic at least - no one can expect to be great at this dance after one week's training. But more ranting: if they played an actual latin/salsa/Cuban/whateveraslongasit'snot****ingpopmusic track, I think the talented contestants would move their bodies in a more authentic way just naturally because of the way the music feels. Chelsee possibly would have been one of those who could. Shame for her really. I'm not even going to comment on the pants. That is all.

Edwina and Vincent

What is that on the side of her head, it might take out Vincent's eyebrow and I'm sure he has it insured for a lot of money. Omg John Prescott is in the audience, this is all getting a bit surreal. Oh look props, kill me now, dancing whilst sitting down is not excused. Len was right to call them out on it, maybe he can be super-grumpy with it this year. Vincent, on the other hand, looked faaabulous dahling.

And here we are again with a second year of tangotrots? Well, for the intro at least. And the intro went on for 75% of the routine. BBC, BBC, please can I be paid to sit at a table and point my toe? I'll get over my fear of being on film for that. Lazy, wee Vincent, lazy. And Edwina appears to have been taking headgear advice from Beatrice and Eugenie. Someone needs to have words with her about that.

Audley and Natalie

Audley looks like he's wearing a Star Trek uniform, if it was a red one he'd go out first (will anyone get a Star Trek-SCD-crossover joke?). Great song choice from Natalie, and fair play to her, I thought she was going to have to stand on a box to do some arm-work with him. Don't really know what people are seeing with Audley, just seems like a typical awkward sportsman to me.

I don't get the joke, sorry. And no, not a good song choice. This was not salsa in any shape or form. As Bruno said, it would have been a great disco-esque hustle. The costumes didn't help. And I disagree, I think Audley can dance. And would have danced a good salsa. And would have enjoyed it. SORT IT OUT.

Alex and James

Now here is someone looking nice, Alex looks lovely and old-style glamour. Oh crikey a prop and kissing John Prescott, am I actually awake or am I having some sort of odd dream following a blow to the head? Gotta love James for choosing Have You Met Miss Jones, plus the band did a great job of it. Would have liked a bit more in hold, but it was pretty good.

And here, what a fantastic song choice. Though I'm sick of all this out-of-hold nonsense. It all looks the same to me. On the whole though, this was a great attempt and Alex so lovely Jones is so lovely. Soooo lovely. I think she's going to be a ballroom girl but that's OK, most people are better at one over the other. I also think she's breaking away from the Christine Bleakley associations - I think Alex is going to be better.

Dan and Katya

He's my dark giraffe and I get the feeling they forced him to wear that pink spangly bowtie at the last minute. Has no one told him bowties are cool? This was getting quite dad-dancing-esque and then all of a sudden he did the criminal Dominic Littlewood bum bongo move! This was never going to be great, but there were some brave lifts in there, it could have been worse. Oh yeah, and the music had nothing to do with the salsa.

Can I rant about the music again? Seriously, I'm not even suggesting that they play authentic salsa or authentic Cuban (can you imagine the OUTCRY there would be if that happened? Sarcasm over.) ...just something vaguely LATIN would do, ffs. In fact, ditch 'THE' salsa (more on that pesky definite article later) and just do a hustle round instead. Because that's what's happening. The moves are not 'salsa', the music is not 'salsa' and it all comes across as camp as a sparkly pink tent on a sparkly pink campsite in the middle of Blackpool. Again, the outfits didn't help.

Lulu and Brendan

Will she remember the steps? Will Brendan drag her around? Will she choke to death on one of the feathers from Nancy's boa that wants to strangle her? Oh look a mirror, because that's not bad luck in theatre at all...This was obviously better than last time, but it looked like Brendan had an iron grip on her so she couldn't get away. It's all just a bit odd - oh put that 7 away Alesha!

Yes, at points Brendan was holding her up and dragging her around like a prop from Puppetgate 2005. But good work, Brendan, credit to ya, as it didn't look half bad. Unlike last week. Wot really did. This was moody but delicate and not like I'd imagine a foxtrot at all - so any ballroom aficionados out there may feel as ranty about this as I do about salsa - but this really did seem to play to her strengths.

Holly and Artem

Not liking cha cha followed by salsa, tsk BBC, it's not just all about Holly in a little dress. But I can obviously forgive that when bright blue feathers on the bum come into it! Well done for Artem for actually bothering to do a dance that looked like a salsa. A bit hesitant in places, but she seems like our reliably good girl for the series.

Yes, tsk. If they do latin one week, the should do ballroom the next. End of.

Oh no, not quite, I have some more stuff to say. Oh, a latin track. Yes, hiphop mixed up with samba. Yes samba. The clue is in the lyrics. At least it wasn't camp disco but the bouncy nature of a track such of this - especially the band's arrangment of this track - made it have a (ballroom) sambalike quality. Why wasn't this track used for a samba later on in the series? WHY WHY? Anywaaay. My first reaction was that this wasn't that great but on my second watch, I liked it a tad more. Artem definitely does seem more at home with salsa-esque type dancing than some of the other pros and this routine didn't have as many moves just whipped from samba routines. Loved the costume.

Rory and Erin

My word Erin looks salsa-rific, sparkly bra and pants with a shower pouffe as a skirt. Too bad they had to re-use an iconic SCD song, grrrr. Yet more political-surrealism, I never thought I'd see Rory Bremner shimmy in John Prescott's face, it's beyond satire! Yep, it really wasn't good, but we really need them to stay.

Shock! Horror! I don't have a particular problem with this track. This is about as salsa as Strictly gets - it's English language so not 'alienating' anyone (nonsense, btw) but the arrangement is at least latin in flavour. Oh wait, I do have a problem with it. Matt danced his iconic dance to this and so reusing it just seems, well, wrong. However I actually think this was undermarked. Rory was in time and appeared to be leading Erin and for a week of training, that is extremely good - Len's right, it's not a natural dance for British people - Rory though, message to you, I think you should join a salsa class - you'd like it!

Robbie and Ola

He really is a beautiful horse. Why an umbrella, WHY? That's bad luck too, why not just run around shouting Macbeth and dance under a ladder the whole time. Not sure the choreography is going with this, when Robbie actually does some dancing he seems to do it pretty well! Great showmanship though and actually a bit of musicality starting to show through. Ola's scream at a 7 from Craig was so cute!

OK, so his theme tune should be 'My Lovely Horse' from that episode of Father Ted? Ola, quickstep song please. (To listen, go here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzYzVMcgWhg ) It would be perfect. Do it. I don't know why you're confused about the umbrella though Frankie, clearly Ola uses it to shield the blinding. white. light. bouncing. off. his. teeth. On the whole, I really liked this. Most improved dancer of the week. Kudos.

Anita and Robin

Anita is dressed as a waitress from the Cafe 80s in Back to the Future 2, while Robin is off to the circus AND they're dancing to the song from Beetlejuice, when will this madness end?! This was hilariously good fun though, couldn't help but giggle. Love the relationship between these two, they're obviously having the best fun. Totally over-marked, but what the hell.

Has Gwen Stefani hijacked the studio and thrown up on the set? It is the only fathomable reason I can think of to explain why Anita was dressed like a school girl from the Harajuku district of Japan. Again, this track would have been better suited to a samba. Again, these moves would have been better suited to a samba. Oh ffs, what's the point? But yes, if Rory was undermarked then this was definitely overmarked.

Jason and Kristina

Jason is dressed as Robin Windsor on his way to Oktoberfest. This kept me entertained until they got into hold, which took about two years. Kristina looked freeking amazing too. There was some pretty good foxtrot stuff in there but not nearly enough of it.

If I'm not going to moan about the faffing about at the beginning, then I actually thought this was very good. My, he's a dedicated chappie - and it seems to be working for him.

Nancy and Anton

It's time for the Italian siren to go off again, and with Anton teaching her to salsa I wouldn't blame her if she ripped her dress and set fire to the place. Actually, to be fair, I quite enjoyed the half-drunk fun of it all. Much more fun than Edwina. Golden quote from Alesha "I don't know if you were trying to be funny, or if it was just funny", plus it was worth it to see her give the lowest score!

Oh dear. Someone's not very good at salsa. And you've guessed it, I'm not talking about Nancy.

Harry and Aliona

Is Aliona wearing a nicer version of Nancy's dress from last week? That won't go down well, the myth of the saboteur goes on. I have no idea if Harry is any good at the foxtrot because he didn't do any. Also thatawkwardmomentwhen Len finally loses his rag...oo-er..

Noticed a comment on Twitter that Len is really laying into Aliona. But she doesn't abide by rules - or at least is extremely creative with them. Remember her first ever dance like ever with Rav Wilding. Illegal lifts! This was nice but yeah, no Foxtrot really. I think she really ought just to ditch this and take up contemporary dance. Harry's great and should be a getting a better score!

Russell and Flavia

Another double latin couple, but I doubt it's for the same reason as Holly! Glad to see the return of the official, patented Julian Clary ruffle sleeve and Flavia has magically survived crazy costume week unscathed and looks pretty fab! Totally wasn't a salsa, but there were some proper steps in there. I like Russell because he embraces the sparkle and camps it up but also wants to learn to dance.

Oh dear. I remember why he scares me. I am quite disturbed by this whole routine. Must have been the sleeves.

This is without a doubt one of the oddest episodes of SCD I have seen in a while, this may take a while to get over! They will at least have a lot to talk about on ITT this week. Who's going? Random Frankie prediction time...Edwina.

Psychic.

No well, a bit obvious really wannit? ;-)