Saturday, 19 September 2015

The Winning Formula - Version 7.0!

Gosh, version SEV-ERN?! That's almost as many as iPhone software updates. Can't believe I've been writing about the terribly scientific factors required to win SCD for so long, I wonder if I can claim some sort of qualification in it now. So here we are, ready to dissect another batch of celebs, examining all the possible variables that can help them grab that glitterball. Speaking of which, this might be the last chance we can post a picture of Pasha winning in his tiny vest. Until we think of another excuse anyway...

So here we go, science time! If this was ITT I'd put on a white coat and there'd be some sort of cheesy, spangly intro.

1) Get the party started
You are without a doubt my favourite variable, GTPS, so odd and yet so reliably true! It's almost set in stone: you dance first, you get to the final. Maybe it's a trade-off for being sick with nerves? Who came out first last year, but our future champion Caroline Flack! Not only that, but on the second opening show (now it's split between Friday and Saturday) it was only Mr Marky Mark heading out there first - that's two finalists in a row! The pressure is now of course on for who will be out first this year, I'm guessing Peter or Helen.

2) Quit your day job
It's true, you can't win SCD and hold down another job at the same time, look at Caroline last year, she left her old job and then went back to it - a Strictly Sabbatical? Why can't I have one of those? There's a few people with day jobs this year: Anita literally rambling around the country, Kelly filming Eastenders, Carol doing the weather, although being on BBC Breakfast has always helped in the past. Iwan seems to be taking this to epic proportions by jetting off to Japan - what's that all about?! Peter Andre on the other hand is always busy, but his job seems to be...being Peter Andre, so maybe he can put that on hold.

3) Blondes don't have more fun
Yep, after that little anomaly of Abbey it's still statistically significant that blondes do not win SCD. Last year, none of the four finalists were blonde - it's a conspiracy! And the ginger was pipped to the post of the final AGAIN - and this year the ginger in is denial, I'm looking at you Iwan! Helen George is pretty much the blondest SCD contestant ever, so this could stand in her way, as well as Carol and Kellie, maybe time for a quick trip to the hairdresser?

4) Latin fever
This is the variable that says you should dance with a pro that specialises in latin dancing, well this year the three new pros are all latin specialists! We thought the tide was turning with 10 dance specialists Flavia and Aljaz winning two years in a row, but Pasha snuck in with his tiny vest and brought it back to the latin side. This variable is basically becoming 'don't dance with Anton or Natalie' - which makes me sad because we all want Natalie to trample the pesky latin dancers and hold that glitterball aloft. Preferably in Blackpool. In a sparkly ball gown.

5) Age is more than a number
Now, despite what One Direction fans may tell you, Caroline Flack is not 87 years old. She was in fact 35 when she won the glitterball, thus continuing the long-standing rule that no one over 40 has ever won SCD. In fact, no one over 40 even made the final. However, this year, we have a potential contender in the form of an incredibly well-preserved (picked?) Peter Andre. I was also surprised to learn Daniel O'Donnell is only 53, not going to lie, I thought he was older than that, maybe he's just been acting middle-aged for about 30 years?

6) Embrace the sparkle! 
Ah, the most metaphysical of variables - embracing the sparkle and throwing yourself headlong into the crazy world of SCD. Cover yourself in fake tan, talk about your journey, laugh, cry - oh dear, I've just described Peter Andre. Embracing the sparkle is however key, we don't like people who do things by halves. Contestants who already seem to have got it include dad-dancer extraordiniare Jeremy Vine, Anita, Ainsley and permanent ray of sunshine Carol. However, both Jay and Anthony look rather bemused and rabbit in the headlights, like they've been smacked over the head with a glitterball, your time with come boys...

So once more, to summarise, here is my patented Winning Formula equation:

Dance first - day job + brunette x latin pro > 40 years old + sparkle = WINNER!

Now last year, I used the formula to predict the finalists - and it was surprisingly effective! Last year's version 6.0 formula gave us: Alison, Caroline, Frankie, Mark, Simon and Thom, which shockingly lists all the finalists. Give me my Nobel Prize now! This could be sheer dumb luck, I do agree, so I'll use the formula after opening predict this year's finalists.

I see you shiver with antici..............pation!

EDIT: So here are the Winning Formula's predictions for the final this year...


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