Strictly For Real...

Roll up, roll up, it's that time of year again! The sparkles are dusted off and the new celebs are shoved out onto the dancefloor...

Ali & Brian
She's the one that had an affair with the pupil on Hollyoaks, ain't she? I did have to look her up but I do recognise her face. Which is kind of a plus this year - with most of 'em, my brain is met by blankety blankness. Been hoping for Brian to get a goodie-gumdrop as I want to see a semi-authentic salsa on the show. Not seen enough of her to claim she'll be a big character or as dull as dishwater with no dishes in it (*cough* Rachel Stevens) but time will tell.
Here we are with the soapstars, not the most exciting of people within Hollyoaks and I don't watch the Bill so I'm with Clover on this one. Plus this year we have decided we love Brian, aka Funky Brian, I so happy enough with this pairing.

Lynda & Darren
How darling of them to put the older lady with sweeter than sweetpea Darren. He'll look after her. Call me cynical (many have...) but I can't see them going far. Darren and Lilia are Old Hats these days (top hats? trilbys? Viking warrior helmets?) and seem to be getting the celebs to match. Can't see her having the charm of John Sergeant to carry her through to the later rounds but I'm sure she'll give it all a jolly good shot.
I think this could be Gloria Hunniford all over again, although saying that I doubt I will develop an irrational hatred for Lynda because I already know she's hilarious. (God wasn't Gloria so annoying with her fake smile and delusions she could already dance?) After the agesim row I think this was a great contestant to come in and just have a laugh. Absolutely hideous dress on the publicity photo though, even though they do seem quite good this year.

Joe & Kristina
Assume I had to look this guy up. Assume I have to look any sportsperson up. Now then, surely boxers have to be light on their feet? I think this is a pairing to watch. I'm imagining a Gough-like quickstep here as I type. The thick accent and blokeyness will only add to the charm - oh, how we do love an unexpectedly good dancer? "A boxer? Really? Noooo! Amazing!" Kristina has already established herself as a favourite with fans so that too can only go their way. Keep thinking it's Joe Calzone though but that's a type of pizza, right?
Well I didn't have to look him up so that proves he must be pretty famous! Really looking forward to seeing this one, I think we have the potential for a journey here. Not too sure about his publicity photo, I'm always wary when it looks like they can't even stand next to their partner without looking awkward! Also prepare youselves for some delightful Bruice puns about boxing all series.

Natalie & Vincent
She's been rumoured for years so no surprises she'd turn up one day. And go figure, she's with Wee Vincent. If they think they can recreate the Louisa/Wee Vincent magic then they've more screws loose than, well, something with a lot of loose screws. I'd hazard a guess that she's a middle of the road type of gal. I just can't see her doing that well. Have you seen the promo pic? I worry for Wee Vincent: one of these days his eye-brow is going to detach permanently.
Glad to know I'm not the only one who finds the promo pic rather scary! I didn't know Natalie was particularly short either, and the laws of space and time do declare that anyone who is with Vincent must be a total munchkin. I'm with Clover on this; not expecting much but you never know.

Richard & Lilia
Besides winning the prize for most amusing surname of the series (and yes, I did have to look him up too - and don't pretend you didn't either!) I can't see him making much more of an impact. I sincerely hope I'm wrong as there has been, what is officially known as 'a shameful lack of Lilia' in recent series and I would like to see that rectified. Her partnerships with Aled, Darren and Matt gave us some comedy-gold training footage moments and I would love to see these two mucking about like it's zee good old days.
I have absolutely no idea who this person is (if the jockey is not Frankie Dettorri I am lost, ha!) But yes, we totally need more Lilia this series. I am just telling myself he is a sportsman and Lilia does have the magical power to bring clumsy men good like some sort of magical dancing fairy. I can also already hear the galloping and trotting puns.

Ricky & Erin
I cannot imagine him being very good at all and Queen Smug won't be too pleased if that's the case. I wonder what special MI5 tricks she has up her sleeve to stay in the competition this year. I figure she'll need some good ones. Do not fear, gentle readers, however...as we know, she is always tripped up at the very last hurdle. Erin is the Dick Dastardly of ballroom...she'll keep going and going until she catches that pigeon, uh, I mean trophy. Is this her year? I'll eat my strappy latin dance sandals if it is...
Sorry, I have just had to compose myself after lol-ing myself silly over Clover's Dick Dastardly comparison. In a stroke of BBC genius Ricky Groves leaves Eastenders this very week; I feel a bit short-changed that we are not getting Kara Tointon actually! Yep, can't see him doing very well at all, Erin must have done something to annoy the producers to not get her usual sportmans. Plus if you look at the promo pic Erin looks totally different again this series!

Martina & Matthew
Mmm, delicious alliterative nugget there. If she's anything like Monica Seles on Dancing With The Stars then she'll be rubbish. What's that? I should tarnish all tennis players with the same brush? What about Greg Rudeski on Dancing on Ice...I rest my case. I expect nothing more than a lot of ballsy jokes from Bruce.
I'm actually really looking forward to this partnership! Maybe it's just the fabulous fringed dress she's wearing...Like she has said she's used to training hard and must be pretty fit to start with; all the classic elements of a sporty contestant. I am going to go out on a limb and say she might be the dark horse of this year (which ironically enough is not Richard).

Chris & Ola
Had no idea who he was either. Haven't much to say on the matter other than that he might manage to stay in a few weeks purely on the basis of Ola's catsuits.
Yes, Ola seems to have pulled out all the stops already when it comes to being half naked. I spend most of my job watching the news and poor Chris hadn't even registered with me, poor guy!

Jade & Ian
Ian proves useful again as partner-for-the-tall-lady. Jade Johnson though, I kind of would like her to be good. I like how she's claiming to be taking part for 'something to do' before she starts training for the Olympics. There's a refreshing lack of desperation in that. Kudos.
Another sporty one I'm really looking forward to. This has shades of Denise Lewis for me and I LOVED Denise Lewis (do not get me started on that series of Strictly and how everyone but Jill has been blanked from the BBC's memory). She also seems to have bagged the best outfit, good girl. One to watch methinks.

Craig & Flavia
Craig was born in Lytham St. Annes where Frankie and I went to school, so plus points for that alone. It also appears that he went to school with Clare-from-Work's (of kissing Darren Bennett at tour fame) husband. Much excitement. Still, had no idea who he was though (must start watching soaps) so the little bio on the BBC site proved quite useful. He does seem to have that cheeky chappie charm that ladies of a certain age might warm to...and that can only go in his favour. Really, I'm struggling to have an opinion on these people when I have no idea who they are...
Yes, I am starting to think it is not that the celebrities that are lacking in the fame department, but that Clover needs to watch more TV! This is such a lovely surpirse for me and with Flavia I think we might have a good team on our hands.

Zoe & James
The Bad Gal and the The Bad Boy. This could be a good pairing actually, though it reeks of Claire King and Brendan. Another one whose face I recognised but wouldn't have been able to put a name to it. Here's hoping she's as feisty as the characters she plays. Oh, I just can't wait for the dancing to start then I can have a proper opinion...
I was just thinking about Claire King! I have been excited that Zoe is doing this series, but since she is partnered with James 'eyes of a killer' Jordan she's going to have an uphill battle to win me over. Which is totally irrational, but hey, this is Strictly and it never had to make sense. It took Julian Clary of all people to make me like Erin!

Laila & Anton
What? Pretty gal with Anton? If she's any good - and I'm sorry for saying this - she's screwed anyway. He might be a master of ballroom but his latin is enough to make anyone squirm. Perhaps if his shirts weren't slashed to the navel, it would help. Laila, if by some ridiculous miligram of a chance you get wind of this, tell Anton to cover up and you may be in with a hope of winning.
I was also shocked that Anton has been given a partner that actually has some potential, so I am really keeping my fingers crossed for this one. If he doesn't have to go for the comedy vote like he did with Kate then I think his latin could be a little more...restrained? Also love that she's already used the 'j-word', get her in a frock and out there!

Phil & Katja
Ah-ha! A sportsperson I have heard of! (OK, OK, it's only because of I'm A Celeb...) Cricketers have had a good run (ha ha) on Strictly...there's never been one on who hasn't won. Phil (who shall henceforth be knowns as Tufty) seems a little, I dunno, different though. Still, he is a character and I know he will have a following before the show even starts. He won't be out week one no matter what his dancing is like.
I don't like Phil Tufnell, he just grates on me. Coupled with a new dancer I do not fancy his chances.

Ricky & Natalie
Ah, the hotstuff. Again, I had to look him up. Not got much to say other than I'm not sure what the point of him will be without Arlene there to make lewd comments. Natalie Lowe, on the other hand, as a ballroom specialist, doesn't stand a cat in hell's (what a nasty thought, if I believed in that kind of thing...) chance of getting very far. Evil Erin will put a stop to that. Mwah haa haaaaa!
Ha ha, I had not realised we wil not have to suffer Arlene's lewd comments this year! (I will not get over her using the term 'virile Viennese Waltz' twice when it was vom-tastic the first time) Another one that I think has potential simply for the fact that he is young and fit (in both senses of the word).

Rav & Aliona
A friend of mine, Leah, says she can't imagine him being very good. Even though I know who he is (thank goodness!) I still don't know enough about him to comment on this. I hope he is good though, because, as mentioned earlier, there's nothing better than when a tough guy surprises us all with a dainty foxtrot.
I thinnk he could be the real hottie of the series, loved by teenage girls and mums alike. Plus he's tough in that Darren Gough type way that Len might like. Ok, I just realised that sounds a bit dodgy...

Jo & Brendan
Oh for heaven's sake. Celebs' ex-wives are not celebs. And I'm saying no more on the matter. I'm going to pretend this couple does not exist. There is an embargo on the very subject.
Poor Brendan, what did he do to deserve this? And what are they going to say she does for a living? It'll be like on DWTS when they said Heather Mills was an 'international charity campaigner'. Although, even that sounds better than 'flogger of face cream'. Totally loving her frock in the promo pic though, although Brendan doesn't even have managed to have raised a smile.

General Comment
So, last year it was...who gets the token old guy...EVERYONE! This year, thank goodies, that's not the case. There's even some cuties lurking in there somewhere. Male friend of mine is complaining at lack of pretty girls amongst contestants - if that's a general feeling then suckers to the BBC who were clearly trying to go that way this year... There will be changes to the voting system (that my B in GCSE maths nine years ago cannot help me with), no Sunday show (hurrah!) and all celebs will get to dance twice before the first elimination. All sensible choices, I think. Roll on September 18th...