The Strictly Season Begins

It's that time of year again, the Strictly Season is upon us! The line up has been revealed so it's time to pick your favourites and dust off those paddles...(or at least those score cards you get free in the programme at the live tour...)

Anne Widdecombe

So the old bird fimally caved then, who's ready for a week one rumba? I also feel the BBC may have made a blunder here with axing both Darren and Matthew, the nice-as-pie-grin-and-bear-it dancers who can be lovely to a duffer and not threaten to break their legs. I feel we shouldn't mock too much, apparently she is a proper fan of the show, but my disappointment at the lack of Lembit Opik will continue for a long time. She is no cheeky girl.

Do I need to start apologising for my earlier comment calling her...shh, I'll spell it out U.G.L.Y. (she ain't got no alibi) ? She's really kind of, yer know, famous and this is quite a rarity in the Strictlyverse of late. So oil painting or non, she's a catch as far as I'm concerned. Mwah.

Michelle Williams

From one end of the scale to the other! She's like from America and everything, the show will be as excited as when the GIs came over during the War and start asking her for nylons or something. She's obviously not going to be completely inept, but she'll have to make sure she's endearing or no one is going to warm to her. Speaking of warm, why didn't she go on DWTS and spend her winter in sunny LA rather than braving cold, frosty London?!

Also known as the-one-what's-not-Beyonce. Is she famous enough for DWTS? I agree with Frankie that perhaps she may find it tricky to win over us sceptical (aka cold-hearted, miserable, cynical) Brits. Having said that, I should imagine she's a decent dancer anyway so the judges won't let her go too soon. Give her to Anton, though, and she's already screwed.

Tina O'Brien

The first of our soap starlets, there's always got to be a few, but it has been quite a while since she left the show. No panto bookings this year then? Not sure what to make of this one, she could be D-U-double-L or cute and relateable.

Meh. Kinda. At least I didn't have to Google her.

Scott Malsen

Over on 'the other side' we have an current member of the Eastenders cast, wow, is Jack Branning going to have a mystery holiday or spell 'inside' in a few weeks? This is the mum's favourite to me this year; quite sexy but also a normal bloke. For all we know he could go far in a Darren Gough/Matt Dawson type way.


OK, OK, so I did have to Google him. And now I've forgotten again so I'm actually multitasking and ReGoogling right. at. this. precise. moment. (BRB) Ohhhh, he was/is in The Bill. Or was/is in Eastenders. Or both? Ach well, I means, we needs these types so I'm OK with it. Frankie's right, the mams will like him.

Kara Tointon

Didn't we have this as a massive rumour last year? Ah Strictly deja-vu, gotta love it. I feel she beats Tina in the soap hottie stakes, plus she has always been a bit perma-tanned so it seems meant to be.

Will the papers go la crazy on her due to PREVIOUS BALLROOM/LATIN EXPERIENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ? I think I'll let her off. One samba (was it a samba?) on Sports Relief does not constitute enough to warrant a riot (though, like The Kaiser Chiefs, I do predict one...) However, we do already kinda know she's kinda good. So she could be high on the bookies' list of faves. Meh.

Gavin Henson

And speaking of perma-tanned...we have an orange sportsman, this man was made for Strictly! He's 28, which is practially a sequinned spring chicken considering the drought of men under 30 in the last few series, so hopefully that will bring the teenage girls in. When I saw this I thought 'oooh a sportsman I've heard of!' but then realised it's just the Charolotte Church connection, we shall see where the loyalties of Wales lie. Oh it would have been so much fun if they'd both gone on....

Poor guy, yes, definitely more famous for his wife than his sport. But then, woo, we've heard of him and... he's ...wait-for-it NOT OLD ! Double whammy. I would love for him to embrace the whole sequinned and Swarovki-ed experience and he may well just do that. Famously, erm, vain...costumes a la Julian Clary would be a treat. Though a tad unlikely.

Peter Shilton

Used to play in goal for England apparently, I did vaguely remember the name from somewhere. I'm trying to think of a cheesy football-related joke Brucie-style, but I'll leave that to the old pro himself.

Who? Oh yeah, football. But does fall under the category from earlier seasons I do so so love: highlyrespectedinchosencareer, which is the ideal prerequisite for the partakence in Strictly. And I do so love a sportsman to do well. It's the only way I remember who they are.

Matt Baker

I know I'll be beaten with glittering sticks if I say it's Gethin Jones all over again, but it is the obvious comparison. With his gymnastics background I'm hoping he gets a teeny weeny little partner so they can do some crazy moves. With sticky back plastic.

Someone's been doing her research. Gymnastics? Nice one. I want to see the splits. And I ain't going home until he does 'em.

Felicity Kendall

Speaking of deja-vu, anyone else having Cheri Lunghi flashbacks? Might as well just put her with James Jordan and be done with it. And I will bet my prized silver sparkly shoes that she only wears dresses with long sleeves for the enitre time she is on the show. Be prepared for my 'sleeeeeeeves?!' ranting once more.

She's twee. I loooove her. And she's not Cheri Lunghi. She's better than Cheri Lunghi for the very reason that I didn't have to Google her. So ner. And she might have good upper arms, Frankie; she might have the upper arms of Jennifer Aniston...yoooou don't know.

Goldie

I thought this was a joke, I really did. But oh god I'm happy about it now! A totally random signing that could give us some real fun this series, do we think he knows what he is letting himself in for? The BBC love him since they discovered he could put on a suit and wave around to fancy music, maybe they think that will translate well here!

Could be a diamond in the rough, here. I mean, he's a DJ, recording artist what'avya, he's bound to have a little musicality, (pleeeease). If I were his dance partner though, I'd be scared of being blinded by his teeth. Erin may use them to transmit gamma rays. His actual name is Clifford.

Jimi Mistry


We have seen him dance in The Guru. Can Bollywood transform itself into Ballroom? He seems like a tall sort of man. I'm not sure who the tall girls are these days so who knows who he'll get...

He might have been in proper movies, like, but he's still the doctor out of 'Enders isn't he really? Wonder if he'll bring a little (East is) Eastern Promise to his performance (Ohh, I just couldn't help myself...)


Paul Daniels

And just when you thought it couldn't get weirder, but at least it's not Russell Grant! Did anyone even hear this as a rumour? Did the BBC just have him in the back of a cupboard somewhere? He is only 5'4 after all, maybe he was under a desk. Oh yeah and he's 72, that's 10 years older than Widdecombe! Ageism? Methinks you doth protest too much BBC!

72! And weird! Nice one. Kind of reminds me of Saturday night TV as a kid. All in all, I'm just thanking my lucky stars (perhaps Monsieur Grant had something to do with it?) that Debbie McGee is not involved.

Pamela Stephenson

Oh to be someone's wife, then you get to go on TV. I was rather surprised by this, but not in an 'oooh I'm excited' way, just in a 'huh?' way. I guess she can psycho-analyse all the contestants and maybe even suss out that Evil Genius Erin.

How IS Erin still on the show? I mean, Karen gone, Camilla gone, Lilia gone...yada yada yooo. You know, good on her an' all but it is in-ex-plic-able. But back to the point. Yes, does this mean that we get Billy Connolly in the audience? And if that is the case, does it mean he will dye his beard pink for the occasion?

Patsy Kensit

I don't know what happened, but her name wasn't in the press release I saw. But I saw a photo of her in a sparkly frock so she's either in it or gone totally insane!

Perhaps she was gate-crashing. Perhaps she just likes turning up places in fancy frocks. Perhaps she sneaks pictures of herself into random stacks of photos. Um, I-thinks-probably the most likely explanation is that she's our number 14. Well, she's just on the right side of celeb.



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This is a good. line. up, people. Every single one of these people is, as I mentioned earlier, highlyrespectedinchosencareer (going all Germanic with me compounds today...) We have no squillions of Hollyoaks actors or owt like that. This is a classy set of people, if not individually, then certainly as a group. This is back to the old days when the celebs actually were more famous than the pros. When we didn't really know who Karen Hardy was, what Brendan likes for breakfast and the name of Darren's auntie's pet giraffe. Perhaps this is just what we need.