Excuse the short sentences. I was blinded by the yellow of Tess' dress.

First of all - Tess' dress. How yellow? It couldn't be more yellow. It couldn't be more yellow if it dipped itself in custard and underlined itself with a neon highlighter. I think there should be a prize for that. 

Ashley and Ola. Sequins on his pants and hot pink lycra. You have embraced the sparkle m'lad, haven't you? He has rhythm, which we love. But it was a bit 'Here is my arm. Here is my leg.' Does that make sense? Hit the beat but nowt in between. I wouldn't have given it a seven.

Dad One and Aliona. Aliona's faced still looked pissed off. Unless that is her default face. If it is, it's just unfortunate. Started better than he finished. Now the song choice. That reminds me of my grandad, A big fan of Birds of a Feather. He used to call it Waddle Eye. 

Dad Two and Aliona's Less Evil Twin. Fecking props. Will Len comment on the faffing? Will Len comment on the faffing? No. Apparently he won't. Think he let that one go a long time ago. A good tangoey track this was it was though. And a muchos camp dance. How sweet is Iveta?

Susanna and Kevin from Grimsby.  Starting with jive, that's pretty cruel. And that wasn't a jivelet. That was a full blown kicking and screaming jive. Kevin is great - he is a little enthusiastic. Like an eager puppy. Susanna did marvellously well to keep up. Kevin looked like he was going to knee himself in the chin. He's really going to push her isn't he? Props to the new pro. Dark horse?

Sophie and Brendan. With some, expectations are high for Ms Bextor. Which is a tad unfair. I thought it did have elegance but more in the mood than the technicalities. Overmarked really. Latin will expose her if she is to be exposed. And lord, give 'em a long ballroom gown. It hides a multitude of toe leads. Looked as though she were scared to put her full body weight on the floor. 

Natalie and Artem.  What a powerhouse partnership this is. In training, she is hardcore. And she loves the show. Potential to be the best contestant ever. So after overmarking all the rest of the contestants, the judges had to nitpick someone who to an untrained eye, could have been mistaken for a pro. Pfft. One thinks one can get past the first episode without getting annoyed at the judges. Mais non. Artem looked like a scary marionette in those pants. And. Bruno. What the fuck?

It's been a long week.