Sunday, 15 September 2013

The Winning Formula Version 5.0

Roll up one and all, it's time for the annual peer review of my scientific formula for winning Strictly Come Dancing. If you are new to this, it's all about the key variables required for a contestant to swoop to victory, well, maybe not swoop, glide or something. So, armed with my GCSE in maths and only one science subject, here we delve into The Winning Formula...

1) Get the party started
As we know, to get to the final, you need to dance first on one of the opening shows, it's been oddly proven year after year to the extent it's getting a bit suspicious! Let us cast our eyes back to last year, Kimberly opened the Saturday show with her spangly cha cha and I knew the formula was safe for another year! So pros, get your elbows out at the top of the stairs and make sure you're out on that dancefloor first.

2) Quit your day job
It's a hard and fast fact, don't try and do SCD if you're trying to keep up your day job, it takes too much time away from your pro and we won't like you. Ok, we probably will if you're good anyway, but we will be doing our concerned faces as you drag your pro across the country and start rehearsing in service station toilets or whatever. The only person who can get away with this is Susanna, what with being a BBC news bod, since Natasha and Chris Hollins are the only other people to literally waltz off with the glitterball whilst earning their usual crust. Look! I said Natasha's name! Ooh I'm such a rebel...

3) Blondes don't have more fun
Last year I said, and I quote, that the British public "hate dancing blondes and never let them win SCD". I never thought you'd take it so close to heart! The Denise drama saw yet another blonde come in third, yes, in my world it is third because someone does not go from 5th place in the semis to 2nd in the final. So which blondes should watch out this year? Vanessa, Abbey, Rachel, Deborah and Fiona by the looks of it, that's a lot of hair dye they'll be needing! In my head Ashley is blonde too, but that might be because he was blonde on Hollyoaks in about 2002 or something, so I'm not going to hold that against him. Suspiciously, there are no gingers this year, I want more gingers!

4) Latin fever
Despite latin pros only seeming to win SCD I am desperately sad we're not getting our battle of the ballroom between the elegant nemesis two Natalie and Erin this year. Although I'm sure they will be there in the audience, in the wings and on ITT joining forces to bring those pesky latin pros down. Speaking of which, of our new pros this year we have Iveta, who as a Ten Dance specialist surely has some ballroom tricks up her spangly sleeve - and as Flavia shows, it's not like being a ballroom pro and somehow magically barred from winning SCD. Oh yeah, forgot to mention Anton again...oh well...

5) Age is more than a number
And once again, the battle against ageism rages on at the BBC, with Louis Smith winning last year as the youngest contestant on the show. And y'know, being an Olympic gymnast probably helped. People over 40 just don't win SCD and it's getting awkward. This variable unfortunately wipes out more than half of the men this year, no pressure on Ashely and Ben there, and also half of the women! Maybe this is the year the ever-so-slightly-older generation can crack it?

6) Embrace the sparkle!
This undeniable, yet rather unquantifiable, variable insists that to win SCD you must embrace the sparkle! Say it in a comedy Strictly Ballroom style Aussie accent and it sounds even better! Taking part in SCD is a bit of an extreme way to get someone to do your extravagant hair and makeup, but fair play if that's your target! Julien is obviously the prime candidate for shrieking and spangling in synchronisation, but Mark Benton has been performing in drag for the last few months in Hairspray so he's probably an old hand at the sparkle by now. Ben Cohen will be doing that 'oh I don't want any sparkly shirts' thing to start with, but give him a few weeks and he'll be as orange as the girls shimmying around in a see-through shirt! 

So there we have it, another year rolls around the formula remains steadfast and someone's gran dying on the X Factor and Big Brother contestants getting lairy, only with more sparkles. Science shows us:

Dance first - day job + brunette x latin pro > 40 years old + sparkle = WINNER!

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