Tuesday, 2 October 2012

The Winning Formula Version 4.0

Here we go again...we're now at the stage where there are things on this blog that are traditional, and I think the fourth version of the Winning Formula post now counts as a tradition, nay, a theory subject to annual review. In case you're a newbie or not-very-good-of-memory, this is the post where I examine the key variables required to win Strictly Come Dancing. It's, like, soooo sciencey *puts on geek glasses in attempt to look cute*

1) Get the party started
The weirdest, yet most endearing of formulas of SCD - dance first and you have a fair shot at the final! Now, it's got a bit awry over the last few years, last year I even painfully considered retiring it - but along came that white knight Harry Judd to save it! (Not in an annoying opening-VT type way, metaphorically) Harry opened one of the live shows and made it to the final, not only that but Holly opened the other and made it to the semis. Maybe if she hadn't decided that she didn't care sometime around week six she might even have made the final. But I digress, celebs, dancing first might make you want to hide behind the backstage vat of fake tan but it has its advantages!

2) Quit your day job
Once again, a really important issue, pros, don't let your celeb go wandering off to do whatever they think their real job is! OK, Harry was still in McFly, but it's not like he tried to do the show in the middle of a tour or something. Chelsee on the other hand kept bouncing backwards and forwards to Manchester for Waterloo Road (I've never watched it either, so the whole thing seemed unremarkably abstract). This year seems remarkably thin on the ground with celebs doing anything else actually, although Richard Arnold will be running the early-morning gauntlet. He might not be a BBC newsreader, but that does oddly-enough somehow seem to be the only manageable day job.

3) Blondes don't have more fun
Here's a variable that tells you something about the British public - they hate dancing blondes and never let them win SCD. Ok, that might be a bit harsh, but a blonde still hasn't won and yet again the blonde finalist came THIRD! Poor Jason, your hair was only matched by your professional-standard eyes and teeth. Denise Van Outen might struggle here, particularly as she just looks wrong as anything other than blonde. Jerry Hall may also face follicle-hatred, but she's probably got more to worry about with Anton. Fern, this may be your time to reach for the hair dye, those brunettes have the upper hand...Is Nicky Byrne actually blonde? Blokes are tricky (as is Kimberley, it could go either way!), oh well, if he wins I'll make something up to suit the formula (that's science for you).

4) Latin fever
And the reign of Latin professionals continues, which I'm sure will be a welcome thing for Karen Hauer. The battle of the ballroom continues, Erin just looks superior in a dress long dress and Natalie is steely for all it's worth - while Anton gurns from the sidelines. Sometimes I think another ballroom pro needs to enter the fray, but then again they all go mysteriously missing after one series. Richard and Michael, you have been warned...

5) Age is more than a number
If I write this will the Press Complaints Commission come after me? People over 40 don't win SCD! They just don't, Jason only managed third and he was one of the people most likely to break the trend, only for the two youngest contestants by far to come second and first! Fern, Colin, Jerry and Johnny, you may face problems, but look at Sid Owen, 40 on the dot and not 41 until January -could this be his saving grace? Cheese does get better as it matures.

6) Embrace the sparkle!
This variable might not be science, it might not be based in empirical evidence, but dammit it's vitally important that you embrace the sparkle! Spangle for all you're worth; glitter, fake tan, teeth, jigging about with glee when you hear your song choice. Prime example: Russell Grant, who spangled his way into all our hearts. I don't want to hear people going 'oooh I look a bit orange' or 'hmmm...not sure about sparkly shirts' - just get out there and shimmy. Lisa Riley has professed on Twitter to now be addicted to spray tans and also wants feathers, that's what we like to see. None of the men seem too nervous or reluctant this year, although we don't have anyone of Robbie Savage My Little Pony proportions yet. Fingers crossed...

So there we are, thesis over for the year and the once again refined Winning Formula now stands like this...

Dance first - day job + brunette x latin pro > 40 years old + sparkle = WINNER!

I hope Johnny Ball is proud of this rigorous scientific analysis.

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