Curses

They say bad things happen in threes.

After the delicious spectacle that was Blackpool, we the people were expecting this week's Strictly to be a little, well, unwhelming. What we weren't expecting was a string of unfortunate events that would lead to it being perhaps the worst - and definitely the strangest - episode of Strictly Come Dancing, like, ever. Without Bruce, it seemed empty, despite Tess' glorious efforts and the spankinglyfabulous Claudia (we love) stepping into Tess' area (oo-er?) What Ronnie Corbett was doing there is waaay beyond me. Have no blinking idea. And standing next to Tess he looked like a Weeble (You know? They wobble but they don't fall down?) All in all, it was held together loosely but, like Lilia Kopylova's Series Three Samba Costume, it felt like the whole show could fall to pieces before our very eyes. Curse one.

And not only did we find out that Bruce has gone AWOL (swine flu?), but also that Jade had injured her knee to Charton Heston Epic Proportions. No, she's not concerned about being able to finish the series; she's concerned for her career. I wanted to cry. And I'm not even joking. Also, I was particularly looking forward to that tango too - it was going to be a defining series moment. Could feel it in me booones. Curse two.

After a mediocre American Smooth by Phil and Katya, a mediocre jive by Ricky and Natalie, a mediocre Viennese Waltz by Ricky and Erin and a not-mediocre-but-very-Tom-Chambers-in-the-mouth-department Paso by Chris and Ola (go Team Cola - back on form - loving THEM), we were hit by *dramatic yet camp music of terror* CURSE THREE. Laila's wee ankle. Oh it was genuine, so those who are titter-tattering about sympathy votes, just pack yer bags and head off somewhere nasty. Siberia. Jupiter. Skegness. They were real tears, guys - face it, she's not that good an actress. On a plus, it still scored as high as that jive despite only being half-a-rumba.

Next was a mediocre foxtrot by Natalie and Wee Vee (but we could blame the foxtrot - I despise the foxtrot) and a semi-mediocre cha cha cha by Ali and Brian. I think everything just seemed mediocre. I can't stop saying mediocre. Mediocre. I think the atmosphere was flat. I think everyone was concerned for Jade and Laila. I think everyone missed Bruce. Brian and Kristina's Bolero was nice but not oh-wow - we really needed a fantastic pro dance to bring the house down - something like a Cutlerjive or a Lowequickstep, but it was not to be. The other pro dance again, was good but not memorable. Shame, shame. And the fact that Tuffers is no more, well, that just breaks my tiny heart.

Next week has got to be a good show. It's got to be an AMAZING show or Strictly's in big trouble. There needs to be a BIG PIZZAZZ again to get the series kicked off, even if it's not next week, and the only remedy I can think of is to get...Back to Black...pool.

Come on, FINAL IN BLACKPOOL. (Every year...)