Erin Boag: Ballroom Dancer or Evil Genius?

It has come to light that there's something odd about Erin Boag. Now odd in a good way or odd in a bad way is not for me to say, but let me just say this: the evidence is mounting, MOUNTING I tell you, that she is not only a ballroom pro but that she is also a genius...of the very evilest kind.

Let's look at the other ballroom pros on the Strictly. Oh wait...WHAT other ballroom pros? Besides Anton Du Beke (who has already been outed as a Bondesque type through the segment 'Strictly for Your Eyes Only') no other ballroom professional has lasted longer than a season. Boag is top dog ballroom pro - and therefore gets to do a lot of exhibition dances on the results show. Those pesky little latin minxes are no threat...but other ballroom dancers? They must be eliminated! Hazel Newberry lasted only one week dancing with Quention Wilson...now, was this because of his poor dancing? No. I doubt it. It is widely that Boag persuaded Wilson to pin the L-Plate to his back...the L-Plate that was secretly hiding a strong magnet. By also planting magnets in the suede soles of his shoes, Boag was able to ensure that his legs moved in completely the wrong direction at completely the wrong time. By employing her vast skill at neuro-linguistic programming she was also able to convince Wilson (something that he believes to this very day) that he is a bad dancer. Genius? I think so.

And what about Izabela Hannah in series three? This one proved a little more difficult for Boag and Dennis Taylor stayed in the competition for five whole weeks. In the end, it is believed that Boag resorted to hypnotism to ensure that Taylor's posture and footwork did not improve beyond a very basic level. Taylor may have made an impression...but Hannah? Never to be seen or heard of again. So what, I hear you ask, is going to happen to Hayley Holt, new ballroom-shaped pro 2008...? Hayley who? She's already out of the competition...unlikely to return...it's just a little bit of history repeating...

These could be coincidences. I think not, but your scepticism is understandable. So let's look at her nationality. An evil genius from New Zealand? Never! But ah! Surely if there were an evil genius amongst the Strictly ranks the first to be suspected would be one of the Russians, Rihanoff or Kopylova...but wait for it, Boag is Russian! After many years perfecting the most innocent-sounding and non-assuming accent she could think of, Boag managed to forge herself a New Zealand passport (not difficult to do, and it is thought that it has only been attempted four times in the history of the nation) and managed to convince the authorities, the Great British public - and some even say, to some extent, herself - that she is a small-town, small-country girl who just loves to dance. She also cultivated a rags-to-riches story of having one pound left in her pocket and then meeting Du Beke, finding true chemistry (on the dance floor only, you understand) and then becoming a champion. Who would question that? Well, I suggest my friends, that you do start to question it. For Boag is Russian, yes - it is thought she is the daughter of a spy who was the daughter of a spy who was the daughter of a spy. I spy something suspicious about that - don't you?

Super-villains and evil geniuses always have alter-egos. Google 'Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog' for clarification of this, if you so choose. And Boag's? She makes no secret of this (a double bluff?) and openly refers to herself as 'Miss Whiplash' - this is evidence enough. She is a master of disguise and a master of gadgets. She has no problem with changing her hair, her costumes, even her teeth to get her own way. Sometimes she is able to disguise her high-tech evil genius gadgets in a fashionable (well, questionable in some cases...) way. Take Saturday 01/11/08 for example: Boag was seen with an unusual hairstyle that, I can exclusively reveal, was masking a small electronic device that emitted small electric shocks to Austin Healey at the precise nano-second his feet were to hop, skip and scatter-chasse their way through their quickstep. Did you see her hair? There is no other possible explanation for hair like that.

But surely all this is not true! If Boag truly is the evil genius as I propose she is, then surely she would have used her skills to win the competition? But, as it turns out, life is very much like a Bond movie. Boag had in her clutches the very best male celebrity ever to grace the Strictly floor, yet they did not win. Because - good triumphs over bad - the evil genius always loses. Not usually to a cricketer from Barnsley, but there's a first for everything...